Earthbound turned 20, so I wrote this novella

Earthbound, that quirky Super Nintendo RPG most people ignored back in the day but has since earned a cult following, turned 20 years old today.

Earthbound is just about my favorite thing ever - even better than Taco Bell! - and I'm so excited I don't even care that I'm a decaying old man now.

Back in 1995, before smart phones, the internet, Justin Bieber, and light bulbs, 12-year-old Matt couldn't wait to play Earthbound after seeing the great coverage it got in Nintendo Power. And today, I feel the same way.

I wrote the Earthbound Scrapbook in 2010, posting each chapter to this blog separately. To celebrate EB’s 20th anniversary, I collected those posts here into a single novella.

Clocking in at 125 pages of stories and photography that hearken back to the original strategy guide, I view the Earthbound Scrapbook as a companion to your EB play through, or just a fun way for Earthbound enthusiasts to spend an afternoon.

Each entry is from the viewpoint of a different character, ranging from the obvious through the obscure, from the humorous to the poignant – just like Earthbound itself!

Here it is. 

Sega Saturn Chronicles # 7: Spotlight - Guardian Heroes

Two men. One unappreciated console. These are the Sega Saturn Chronicles.

MATT is 32 years old, and has owned a Saturn since December 1996.  JAMES is 22 years old, and acquired his Saturn in February 2015.

Guardian Heroes: Treasure (developer), Sega (publisher), 1996

MATT: It was just days before the fat man in red was scheduled to slide his ample buttocks down our (non-functional) chimney, and I could tell mom was getting frazzled. Hoping to cut down on her time at the viciously overcrowded Toys R Us in town, she asked me to come with her one night and find my own darn games.

I can’t remember why the cashier was in tears. Maybe she got some bad news from home, or the craziness of the season had driven her to want to commit yuletide homicide. But whatever the reason, my mother, a devout Catholic and the kindest person I know, gruffly demanded a copy of Guardian Heroes and forced the woman, tears now staining her work vest, to look for one.

I urged my mother to have a heart. I told her we could get Guardian Heroes some other day. She just stared at me and said coldly, insistently: “My boy gets what he wants for Christmas.”

And just short of raising me and paying for my college education, making that hysterical cashier find the last copy of Guardian Heroes is the best thing Mom’s ever done for me.

Guardian Heroes was by far my favorite Sega Saturn game when I was a kid, and it remains one of the best beat ‘em ups of all time. Your TV screen is hardly enough to contain the crisp, detailed graphics, and their hand drawn flair is refreshing in a world where “animated” movies now essentially hour-long cutscenes.

There’s half a dozen characters to choose from in story mode and even the crappiest of them is still a lot of fun to play. Simple controls punctuate the fast-and-furious action, and with plenty of Choose Your Own Adventure-style branching paths, it’ll take quite a while to tire of Guardian Heroes.

An RPG-like level-up system has players to distributing skill points to various areas of expertise like strength and intelligence, allowing for further customization of your marauding mauler.

It’s not all peaches and cream, though: Sometimes the action gets too frantic and it’s tough to make out where your character is in a mess of enemies. Also, the magic system requires the player to sift through spells in the middle of the action. It almost feels like the game waits for you to start looking for a spell, then gleefully assassinates you. It’s a lot like high school, only spells are Pokémon cards and assassination is the other kids giving you a swirly, you pathetic loser.

Flaws aside, Guardian Heroes is criminally underrated and remained in the annals of the gaming unknown for years after its initial release. But thankfully, now Xbox 360 owners can download it on Xbox Live Arcade. The $5 they’re charging is one of the best deals in gaming.

Score: 9/10

JAMES: I've always been a big fan of the beat ‘em up genre. Even today when modern gaming has really passed by its simple conventions, I still enjoy Streets of Rage, The Simpsons arcade game, and a bunch of others. So when Matt told me about Guardian Heroes, I had a good feeling about it.

And boy, was that on the money.

We popped the game in and I chose my character – later I found out I had picked the worst one, but it hardly felt like it – and it was a blast. The attacks were fun and fluid and the magic attacks felt effective as hell. Matt and I just tore through the whole game in one sitting, trashing knights and warriors and stupid wizard guys as we went along.

The thing that really jumped out at me was the presentation. The colors and sharpness made me feel like I was playing a comic book come to life. In my eyes, this is one of the best looking 2D games out there. Between the colors, the art style, and the fluid animations, I'm amazed this game is as old as it is.

Guardian Heroes is truly a masterpiece of game design. The branching paths offer some nice variety from the linear style of most beat ‘em ups, and while they aren’t terribly deep, the RPG elements do add another layer of gameplay to enhance your overall experience.

The story was mostly nonsense and I suspect translation had a lot to do with that, but who cares? Punching people is rad.

Oh, and there’s a versus mode where you can play as any character in the game including NPCs who usually don’t even engage in combat. Little boy vs. giant iron knight vs. wizard? Yes please!

In short, this game rocks. Despite it being on a generally meh console, it generated enough love to be ported to Xbox 360 arcade, which I think says a lot. So fork over that fiver and have a ball.

Score: 8.5/10

New 'Mortal Kombat X' makes man feel old, gelatinous

After months of anticipation, Mortal Kombat X is finally upon us. Before you snag a copy, tell your friends to “get over here!” and make with the decapitations, take a minute to consider this: The original Mortal Kombat came out in 1992.

Do you remember Mortal Monday, when MK1 came out on home systems and also not Sega CD until months later? I sure do.

And you know what that means? I’m a very old man and I don’t have much time left to live. I pray I can breathe long enough to finish MKX, but with bones these old, I fear my body will melt into jelly on the way to Best Buy tonight. (That would make a super cool fatality, now that I think about it.)

Ah, to be young again.

Fifth grade. Matt’s class is walking to the middle school for an orientation. Some of the dumber students have expressed concern that a rotating class schedule might somehow confuse or kill them, so we all have to miss art and gym to have disinterested guidance counselors comfort us by revealing the secrets of walking to a different classroom every 42 minutes.

Some current middle school students – the ones who have mastered the art of switching classrooms flawlessly on the pit stage without using block – notice Matt’s group approaching, and look out their foolishly open windows.

Matt raises his arms and exclaims at them, "MORTAL KOMBAT!"

From that day forth, the middle schoolers knew not to mess with the incoming class, for they are versed in the art of kombat and aren’t afraid to die at the hands of Outworld’s most chilling opponent: rotating class schedules. Liu Kang smiled on us all that day.

So by all means, let the kombat komence! I’ll just be here in the corner, adjusting to my life as an elderly, boneless blob.

Sega Saturn Chronicles #6: Marvel Madness – A Retrospective of Capcom’s ‘Vs.’ series

Two men. One unappreciated console. These are the Sega Saturn Chronicles.

MATT is 32 years old, and has owned a Saturn since December 1996.  JAMES is 22 years old, and acquired his Saturn in February 2015.

X-Men: Children of the Atom – Capcom, ported by Rutubo, published by Acclaim, 1996

MATT: Awesome animation, a great IP, sweet music, and responsive controls. What’s not to love about X-Men: Children of the Atom? The soul-crushing difficulty, that’s what. I’m convinced Rutubo/Acclaim somehow messed this one up, because I can’t see Capcom saying, “Hey, this game is fun and all, but let’s make every fight after the first the approximate difficulty of Kintaro from Mortal Kombat II.” Admittedly my fighting game skills aren’t as polished when it comes to Capcom’s Marvel titles. But this isn’t exactly my first mutant rodeo and I’ve only ever finished the game once, by the grace of Hugh Jackman. I guess if you’ve ever wanted to fight M. Bison, Gill, Seth, and every SNK boss ever right in a row, X-Men might appeal to you, because this is the closest you’ll ever come to it this side of MUGEN. Of course that’s a bit of an exaggeration, but you’ll swear it’s true as Magneto hands you your mutant hiney over and over again. I’d suggest the PlayStation version, but that one is just as difficult and unfun. Maybe skip this and start with Marvel Super Heroes, because not even Wolverine’s mutant healing abilities are enough to fix it. 5/10, but only because it’s the genesis of the Vs. series. Otherwise it’s a Frisbee.

JAMES: Playing this game was a lot like finding what appears to be a delectable chocolate truffle, biting into it, and finding it’s filled with toothpaste. It looks, sounds and feels like it should be great, but then something in the mixture goes horribly wrong. I won the first fight easy enough and balked at Matt's claims that this game is super difficult. Ego, as it so often does, had gotten the better of me. The second fight kicked me in the groin, repeatedly and repeatedly. I pretty much gave in and tried to think about other, better Marvel fighting games at this point. However, one thing I noticed was the interesting level design. Many stagers are multi-tiered and have different platforms to ascend/descend which added some nice layers to the fight in terms of playing the distance game. If you don't mind getting your socks rocked, this game IS worth playing because of its art style, and the quality of the IP. But beyond that, this game was a disappointment. In every way you can think of, it looks and plays like it should kick ass. But like an evil twin, it hides a dark secret beneath its familiar exterior. 6/10 because I have a Marvel bias.

Marvel Super Heroes – Capcom, 1997

MATT: Great graphics and deliciously old-skool Capcom action are the hallmarks of Marvel Super Heroes. I’m not much a comic book guy, so aside from the FOX cartoons featuring Spider-Man and the X-Men, this game was my first real exposure to heroes like Captain America and a bunch of other jerks no one cares about. Like Night Warriors: Darkstalkers Revenge, I used to breeze through Marvel Super Heroes at the hardest difficulty, but now I find even the medium skill level challenging. Still, the game retains a lot of its charm with its simple chain combos, its awesome Darkstalkers-esque sound font, and the fact that it introduced the world to everybody’s favorite super move, Maximum Spider. Curiously, the North American version of Marvel Super Heroes supports the Japanese-only Saturn RAM enhancement cartridge, which allows for faster and more complex gameplay. And also curiously, it seems to have no effect. Marvel Super Heroes begins Capcom’s policy of removing “joke” characters for their North American releases. Anita of Darkstalkers fame, who appears as an unlockable in the Japanese MSH, is nowhere to be seen in our port. Capcom would follow suit with Norimaro from MSH vs. Street Fighter. Strange content cuts aside, MSH provides players with a great starting point on their “vs. Capcom” journey. 7/10.

JAMES:  Now THIS is a fighter I can get excited about. I know what you’re thinking: “Oh James, you’re such a mainstream weenie to only really like fighting games with super recognizable IPs attached to them!” And to that I say, HOLY SHIT YOU CAN PLAY AS WOLVERINE! But seriously, this family of Marvel driven Capcom games rarely disappoints. Bright sharp graphics, awesome level design, strong cast, and a cool power up system revolving around collecting “Infinity Gems” make this a high speed, fun experience. The cast all looks and plays in ways appropriate to the source material. As somebody who is a big fan of the Marvel universe, these games are always a treat for the cool references and fan service, as well as the gameplay.  I love the controls of these games. Fast, frantic and easy to string combos together and control the pace if you know what you’re doing. It’s equally fun to just jerk around and play crazily. This game’s greatest strength is that versatility. Like any fighter worth its salt, it’s equally fun to n00bz and skilled players alike. If you’re familiar with this era of Capcom it’s pretty much just like all the others control-wise, but what’s cool is that through all the iterations of X-Men, Marvel Super Heroes, and Marvel vs., games, all your favorites FEEL the same. Unlike, say, the Mortal Kombat franchise where characters’ play style or even abilities vary wildly from game to game, these titles always retain the genuine feel and look you crave in each of your favorites. Characters may be added or subtracted, and new bosses or power-ups may get thrown in the mix, but the soul of the game remains the same. And if you’re like me and you just love how these play, then give this mofo a whirl.  9/10

X-Men vs. Street Fighter – Capcom, 1997 (Japan Only)

MATT: This is the first of the famed Marvel vs. Capcom series, which took arcades and consoles by storm (no pun intended) in the late ‘90s. The Saturn version, released only in Japan because life sucks and then “welcome to die,” is the definitive home version of the eclectic brawler. Featuring the hot-swapping, dual character action that made the coin-op a hit, this Saturn port puts the PlayStation 1 game to shame. Why? Here’s where the Saturn RAM cart really earns its keep: Thanks to the PS1’s infamous lack of RAM, that version played more like Street Fighter, with one on one battles. I love the cast – it truly feels like a who’s who of both universes. The music is vintage Capcom and once again, the graphics and animation are damn good. One negative is that sometimes, the action is a little too frantic and button-mashy. My favorite fighting games take a more methodical approach to combat, where every attack is calculated, each jump is deliberate, and you’re always thinking two moves ahead. Capcom’s Vs. series is none of these things, but as James has pointed out, you can play as Wolverine! That being said, I’ve also never found a game with Ryu and Chun-Li in it that I didn’t like. This title comes highly recommended. 8/10.

James: Hot damn. Folks, this is probably the second best game in the entire Marvel/Capcom series. You have the character swapping, the amazing stages, sweet music, balls-to-the-wall speed-oriented fighting, and a cast that was never equaled in the series. I had a hard time putting this one down. The pace is brilliant, the controls are flawless, it’s just so FUN. It’s not intellectual and deliberate like Street Fighter, but its gosh darned fun. I love the chain combo system, being able to juggle somebody in a corner right into my super move, and the game doesn't nerf you that all. It’s like, "Hey dude, if you can keep hitting the combos, more power to ya." It's not getting between me and a good super-spamming time. I personally use the team of Wolverine and Ryu. To me, they’re the best representations of their respective brands, and they jive well. You have your solid ground game with Logan, and aerial/projectile attack covered by Ryu. I dare anybody to come at my squad. We will take you out. ALLLLLL the way out, brother! This wasn't one I grew up with, but it’s one I can grow old with.  Good golly Miss Molly this game is great. 9/10.

Marvel Super Heroes vs. Street Fighter – Capcom, 1998 (Japan Only)

MATT: Marvel Super Heroes vs. Street Fighter is less a sequel and more the lazy cut ‘n’ paste brother of X-Men vs. Street Fighter, reusing many of the sprites and stages. This is the second time we’ve seen Apocalypse as a final boss, the third time we’ve seen Wolverine stalk across the screen in the same angry fashion, and at least the fifth time we’ve seen the Alpha version of Ryu chucking plasma and taking names. It’s a classic Capcom move and I should be furious. I’m not. This game is awesome. It’s lacking a special mode from the PS1 version which is a bummer, but it makes up for it by including Dan, Ryu’s only true equal. And how can you go wrong with Spider-Man? All of the other problems and successes of X-Men vs. Street Fighter carry over, but the unique cast makes this my personal favorite of the Capcom Marvel titles on Saturn. 9/10.

JAMES: When I was a kid, I lived at Crestview Lake. It was this municipal facility that had a huge lake, playground, arcade, snack bar, and more, and Dad was the guy who ran it and lived on grounds as the caretaker. I was lucky enough to live there with him. Among the many, many perks of living there was access to a well-stocked arcade in 1998. We had Mortal Kombat, Ultimate Mortal Kombat 3, and Marvel Super Heroes vs. Street Fighter all at once. I don't think there were enough quarters in the world to satisfy my lust for Kombat and Street Fighting. I stole so many coins out of my Dad's car that he had to start carrying his change with him around the facility. A junkie will do anything for a fix I suppose, even steal from his father. I was in love with Marvel Super Heroes vs. Street Fighter above the rest though. I had never enjoyed a game as much as I was enjoying this one. I hogged the machine, I would sit there and pump so much money into it, and just flatly refuse to let other kids play. I would say, "My Dad runs this place, and he would kick you out if you put your quarter in!" A bluff, but an effective one. No kid wanted to risk the revelry in the sun (or the potential spanking they might incur) just to play a coin-op machine. The cabinet was mine. And in those moments where I had a coin in the machine, a hot hand and a full bladder... well, you know how a swimsuit is wet and drippy? I took full advantage of that. I always swam before the arcade, and that way if I had to relieve myself, I could do so with impunity into my pre-moistened swim trunks.  No one was the wiser, I assume. That's dedication, mofos. After a few months, I got good enough to beat the game on a single play through. For a 6-year-old, that's pretty freaking hard. Especially when the final boss, Cyber-Akuma, is basically the biggest, nastiest bastard this side of Street Fighter III's Gill. I would show off, invite kids to watch me beat it, and even my Dad would watch me beat it! Right there in the arcade! Uh, anyway, my team of Wolverine and Ryu (sometimes I'd mix in Spidey) was too much for this world. One day the arcade machine vanished and for years I mourned. I played the PlayStation home port, but without the ability to swap characters, it was a piss poor imitation. Then Matt and I put this beauty into my Saturn. And folks, it was 1998. I was 6 years old. And I was dominant once more. The only difference between then and now? I got up to use the men's room. Thank God for pause buttons. 10/10.

The Final Moments of PlayStation Home (4-1-15)

Sony’s virtual world experiment on PS3, called PlayStation Home, hit the gaming scene on December 11, 2008. And after six-plus years, the game finally closed its doors on March 31, 2015 (April 1 in EST).

These are the final moments of PlayStation Home.

I was FROZEN today!

The closure of PlayStation Home leaves many unanswered questions. Why did they call Home players Homesters? Why not Homebodies, Homers, or Home-os? What do the lyrics to "Chain Swing" mean? Why were there so many ghosts haunting in the PS Home landscape?

The world will never know.

March 31, 2015, 3 a.m. – 24 hours until the end

My eyes shoot open in the middle of the night. I’m sick as a dog and can’t sleep. Stumbling out into the living room, I pour a glass of diet Pepsi and boot up PlayStation Home, because part of me is afraid they already shut it down.

What I see brings a smile to my face.

Conga lines like this were common in the early days of PlayStation Home. It’s a nice bit of nostalgia.

My game freezes and I have to reset. When I come back, the conga line is gone. In fact, Home freezes three more times in the next hour and a half. I wonder if it’s the servers dying already.

The freezes aren’t limited to me, as someone I was speaking with reports getting frozen at the exact same time.

6:30 p.m. – nine hours until the end

After work, I come back to PlayStation Home and find a guy saying goodbye to the water fountain in Central Plaza. Another is just sitting there with a sign that says “The end of the world is nigh.” Rather apropos.

The party is raging in Central Plaza, so that’s where I decide to spend the final moments when they come.

10 p.m. – five hours until the end

A friend from real life dusts off his Home account and hangs out with me for a while. It’s the first time I’ve ever seen someone I know in real life on PSH. And he’s also the last. He has a sweet hover board. I’d be jealous if PlayStation Home wasn’t going to die in a few short hours.

11 p.m. – 12:30 a.m. – two and a half hours until the end

In Home Square – still festively decorated for Christmas – I meet a player about twice as old as me. I have more in common with him than the 20-year-old walking eyeballs and snake women dry humping each other, so we talk for quite a while. It’s the most significant conversation I’ve ever had on PS Home, and in the end, he tells me that I’ll be a “great mom.” Oops, forgot I was playing as a woman. I didn’t correct him.

April 1, 1:30 a.m. – an hour and a half until the end

I discover “Quest for Greatness 2,” a long, drawn out card hunting game. My personal quest for greatness is abandoned 90 seconds later. Gonna guess I don’t have enough time.

I spend the next hour and a half dancing in the Central Plaza as planned.

April 1, 2:59 am. – the end

Like Tears in the Rain

Now that PlayStation Home has officially retired, I’m left to reflect on it one more time.

An avid collector, I own about 1,500 games spanning more than 30 years. But as a predominantly console gamer, online play was something I rarely encountered until the PlayStation 3 era.

PlayStation Home is the first online-only game I ever put a significant amount of time into, and now it’s gone. Up until now, my favorite games of yore have remained at my fingertips. But not Home. I can’t take it with me. I can’t put it back on the shelf and whip it out in ten years later when I’m feeling nostalgic. (I can’t even copy it to a thumb drive.)

That’s one of the reasons I preserved my experiences through photos and blogging: It’s the only way I’ll be able to remember it. Otherwise, to quote Blade Runner, “all those moments will be lost in time, like tears in the rain.”

PlayStation Home brings to mind another uncomfortable question: when will ALL PS3 titles will be stripped of their online capabilities?

PS3 fatality?

Home’s closure is just the beginning of the end for my beloved PlayStation 3. I’ve made the jump to PlayStation 4 and of course it’s great, but I doubt the online landscape will have the same Wild West-style appeal that the PS3 did.

Also, I don’t think we’ll see anything like Home again for quite a while. And maybe that’s not so good for more than just nostalgia’s sake.

Pretty Woman

Logging in after a long absence about a year ago, I discovered that my two male avatars had vanished. Inexplicably, the lone survivor was a woman I refer to as “Red.” In the early days, I used her to toll random dudes. You know, for the lulz.

But maybe the joke's on me.

As Red, I’ve gotten catcalled, told I have a nice ass, and asked repeatedly to be someone’s “girlfriend.” Generally I ignored it. But every once in a while, I responded.

To anyone reading this who is looking for a date: If a potential mate responds to your advances with “You have a tiny p3nis,” do not reply “do you want to see it?”

Seriously, some dudes are dense as hell. Also, a video game is probably a bad place to look for love.

Some PSN dudes. Mask guy in the foreground hit on me.

On the other hand, male players would often send me gifts or treat me with a respect that they never afforded to Lenny, my African American man avatar, or to my rough interpretation of my real-life appearance.

PlayStation Home, it seems, was a microcosm of society.

Who would ever have thought I’d learn the ups and downs of being a woman through a video game?

There’s No Place like (PlayStation) Home

I took a lot of photos for this series of articles (see the first one here, and the second here if you missed them). I also took a bunch for my first PlayStation Home article way back in 2010. That one is much more lighthearted, BTW.

They’re not doing me any good just hanging out on my hard drive, so I thought it might be nice to share my photos. Here’s two galleries to see off all you Homesters. Or Homebodies. Home-os?

Sorry.

The Early Days of PlayStation Home (2010-ish)

The Final Days of PlayStation Home (2014 – 2015)

PlayStation Home was a lot of things, and even if it wasn’t functional, or well-programed, or even fun, sometimes it could be really pretty.

Here’s one last shot I took from my Harbour Studio apartment, which for a lot of people, represents their first moments with Sony’s strange cyber society.

I’ve always found it satisfying end things the same way they started.

Goodbye, PlayStation Home, you confusing, lovable waste of time.


UPDATE: 3:40 a.m. April 1, 2015

Sony released a mandatory 19 megabyte update to Home less than an hour after it shut down "for maintenance." Trying to open Home after the update produces this photo:

The Waning Hours of PlayStation Home (3-29-15)

PlayStation Home, circa March 2015

Sony’s virtual world experiment on PS3, called PlayStation Home, hit the gaming scene on December 11, 2008, bringing its own brand of massively multiplayer fun to a community of millions. Sony recently announced that it will be shutting the game down on March 31, 2015, some seven years after its debut.

These are the waning hours of PlayStation Home.

Party Like Tomorrow is the End of the World

Saturday, March 28, 2015, 6 p.m. – about 80 hours until the end

Central Plaza has made a bit of a comeback in comparison to the ghost town it had become two weeks ago. I think nostalgia is bringing a few players back for one last hurrah. Also, I noticed at least one individual in the default Home outfit. Imagine starting a new game two days before the server is taken down. You’d be a n00b forever. Bummer.

But the real party is in the Hub, Central Plaza’s smaller spiritual successor. The music – including the unofficial PlayStation Home theme song, “Chain Swing” – is pumpin’ and the giant transparent robots, half naked fairies, and bespectacled hotdog men are dancing the night away. Or lurching for some of them. Ugh.

Some dude runs past asking for help with the “Welcome Home” trophy, which requires one player to invite the other to their apartment. I do it for him, because collecting my trophy was a huge pain. I got mine… differently… then intended.

March 29, 2015, 1 a.m. – about 72 hours to the end

Party’s still hopppin’, and I decide to spread the love with the “Welcome Home” trophy, inviting two strange men to my apartment late at night. In hindsight, I probably could have worded that better.

Nice wiener, dude.

Then I received a message from a player named le619 that read, “hey damn girl very nice ass.”

Sometimes I’m not sad that PS Home is going the way of the dinosaurs.

But I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For

One of the reasons I’m so interested in the death of Sony’s bizarre virtual world is that despite spending hours roaming its nooks and crannies, but I never really “got it.” Thanks to most players using a stock gamepad, talking to anyone is the equivalent to texting on a track phone. Load times are slow, and even with a direct Ethernet cable connection, you're hanging out with ghosts for your first few minutes in any new location.

This old Penny Arcade cartoon really sums it up:

My latest attempt to make PS Home meaningful (aside from writing this series of articles) was to get all the trophies. I figured it would be cool, years into the PS4 era and beyond, to have a record of my time with this oddity. Seeing that last trophy pop was satisfying enough, but only in the way that completing any game is. It still didn’t justify PlayStation Home’s existence, as least in my mind.

My search for PS Home’s purpose is nothing new. Years ago I’d play it when I was feeling lonely, but the interaction wasn’t exactly human enough to lift my spirits. I’d play when I was board, and wind up just as bored when I was done. One time a player talked to me at length about her feelings. I’m sure she thought I was someone her age, but I didn’t bother to correct her. Instead, I listened and responded as needed, but I don’t think she felt any better about things when we were done.

That’s why I have a soft spot for PlayStation Home, the junk food of the gaming world. As much as I’ve tried to figure it all out over the years, it evades my understanding.

What a waste of time.

I sure will miss it.

I’ve Seen the Lights Go Out on Broadway

So Home is about two days away from Sony pulling the plug, and I plan to be right there when it happens. Will the screen go black and kick me out of the application? Will I suddenly lose my internet connection as Sony knocks everyone offline for maintenance? Or will it allow players who are still logged in to continue for a while as Sony denies others if they try access the game?

I’ll let you know in my final update April 1.

Green Pedobear knows where you live. Well, at least until Tuesday.

Sega Saturn Chronicles #5: Hail to the Kings, Baby!

Two men. One unappreciated console. These are the Sega Saturn Chronicles.

MATT is 32 years old, and has owned a Saturn since December 1996.  JAMES is 22 years old, and acquired his Saturn in February 2015.

Duke Nukem 3D – Lobotomy Software (developer), Sega (publisher), 1997

MATT: I’m a huge fan of Duke Nukem 3D on the PC. I estimate I spent about 2,000 hours or more playing user levels or building my own back in the day. If Sam’s Club stores offered expansion packs similar to how they sell 35-pound cheese wheels, I’ve have been all over it. What had always been a dark spot on my Nukem notoriety, however, was the fact that I never played the Sega Saturn version… until now. Rebuilt from the ground up using the Powerslave/Exhumed engine, Duke 3D on the Saturn has players feeling sea-sick when turning thanks to a weird, world-tilting effect, and unlike the PC version, you can only save after completing a level. Also, it’s based on the original three episodes of the PC classic, so don’t expect to find levels like Duke Burger or The Birth here. Some levels were cut or shortened, and the exclusive toilet-based Saturn level, Urea 51, is piss poor. Finally, the graphics look like they filtered the original game though YouTube at 144p. Sounds awful, but Duke Nukem 3D is kind of like pizza: even lackluster versions are still pretty tasty, especially with beer and peperoni. The Sega Saturn Duke 3D is the best of the major console ports of the time, in that it is playable. The PS1 version suffered from sky-high difficulty and a crippling seven memory card blocks to save, which took about as long as finishing the damn level did. And the N64 version pointlessly changes weapons, removes anything even remotely risqué, and controls like Duke is less ass-kicking machine and more unoiled machine. The Sega Saturn version is basically fun despite itself, but I’m okay with that. Any excuse to dive back into Duke’s combat boots is just fine with me. These days, you’d be better off grabbing a copy of Duke Nukem 3D from www.gog.com (which does not stand for Gay Old Grannies, that’s another site entirely) or playing the buggy-but-fun PS3 version, released earlier this year. But if all you’ve got is a Saturn, by all means, pick this puppy up and start blasting that alien scum. Note: Though this game used to feature online competitive play, that service has long since been suspended. So if you’ve got the time, you’ll have to play with yourself. 7/10.

JAMES: Always bet on the Duke. Unless you’re playing a console port. Then you should most certainly not bet on the Duke ever. Duke may not look great, sound excellent, or control smoothly on this port, but you know what? It’s still DUKE, damn it. Duke 3D is such a personal fav that I would play a Tiger Electronic version if I was given the choice. This game is not my preferred version by any means, but hell, it’s a good time. You still get to make those alien bastards pay for shooting up your ride, decree that the aliens should blow it out their ass, and you can lay it smackdab on their ass. Pro-tip: Duke says ass a lot. Matt’s review pretty much nailed all the important differences between this and the PC version. If you want to feel what it’s like to play one of the best FPS games of this era, pop this SOB in, crack your knuckles and lock and load.  Come to think of it, if you HAVEN’T played this, stop reading, go get a copy and PLAY! It’s something you have to experience to call yourself a gamer. It’s like Citizen Kane, but Orson Wells rarely, if ever, bellowed “Let God sort ‘em out” while unloading lead into the face of a pig-cop monster. 7/10 for the port 10/10 for the PC version.

Fighters Megamix – Sega, 1997

MATT: Fighters Megamix was the panicle of Sega’s 3D brawlers before Virtua Fighter 3 proved to be a snooze fest and the floor fell out from under the genre as a whole. Mashing up the entire cast of Virtua Fighter and Fighting Vipers would have been enough to make a great game, but Sega also threw in characters from its other popular titles of the time, like Sonic the Fighters, Virtua Cop 2, and even Daytona USA. (Have you ever kicked a car’s tires to make sure they weren’t flat? I’m still petrified of doing that to this day, as Fighter’s Megamix taught me that sometimes, cars hit back.) There’s nods to the pointless and downright freaky Virtua Fighter Kids, a bear statue with zero points of articulation who attacks opponents via creepypasta-style nightmare fuel, and a terrifying Mexican bean person who was surely the inspiration for the majority of the anti-sex crime legislation on the books today. His alternate costume makes him look like a giant, bloodthirsty banana, uncomfortably similar the “Bananas in Pajamas” show, in case you were wondering. You can also play as a massive slab of Castlevania meat with disembodied arms and legs. Oh, and mother f**king plam tree. In the end, Fighter’s Megamix is not only the Saturn’s best 3D fighter, but also Sega’s greatest entry into the survival horror genre. What could have been a lazy cut-and-paste job turns out to be much more than the sum of its freaky, freaky parts. 9/10.

JAMES: This series has taught me a lot, you guys. About one of the first CD based home consoles. About the gaming market in 1995-97. About some progenitors of classic modern series. But mostly, it’s taught me that Sega made terrible 3D fighter after terrible 3D fighter and then wondered why their stupid console failed. So yeah, here’s another one! Ok, ok, let me TRY to be positive. You can fight as a giant bear with no animations. For yuks that’s pretty damn fun. You also can play as a race car which, SHOCKER, sucks at fighting. Again, nice novelty. The thing I like most about this game is that you get to play as Fighting Vipers characters. Since that’s like my third favorite Saturn game so far, that’s awesome. And since this came out in 1997, this has to be one of the first fighting games where they compiled different fighters across several IPs and put them under one roof. I’d say Smash Bros. owes something to this game, but I think in the grand scheme Sega is the one in debt to Nintendo. Literally. I don’t like this formula, but for novelty this game has enough batshit insane stuff to make you laugh. Play it with a friend for maximum hilarity. 5/10

Virtual-On: Cyber Troopers – Sega, 1996

MATT: Virtual-On looked amazing nearly 20 years ago, yet I never got around to playing it during the Saturn’s short-lived heyday. But now I know how James must feel when I show him an old game I loved, and he has trouble understanding why I haven’t adorned it with rocks and sent it to a watery grave in the mighty Hudson River. You’d think Virtual-On was a simple mech combat game. Hell, the controls are even displayed on screen! Right? Not quite: the majority of time, buttons don’t do what the instructions imply, and firing while jumping produces radically different results than what you’d expect. Sometimes, I’ll hit every button on the controller and my bot just sits there, begging to be repurposed into some kind of military grade toaster. And be careful while trying to get your metallic marauder to at least pretend to fight: The perspective change, hidden somewhere on the controller, is neither intuitive nor predictable. It exists merely to punish the poor fools desperately mashing “attack” buttons. You will never, ever return the camera normal, and will remain in the nefarious grasp of the “camera on the moon” viewpoint until your mech is reduced to a smoldering pile of steel and wasted time. I appreciate what they were trying to do with this, I really do, and I bet I’d have figured it all out over a few weeks when I was a kid. But as an adult, I don’t have the time to decode obtuse, underwhelming also-rans from a bygone gaming era. 4/10.

JAMES: Growing up I watched a lot of Gundam Wing. I was and still am a fan of giant robot combat. So I admit, I was a little more interested in this title unlike say, the 20^th Sega 3D fighter in a row which feels exactly the same as the last 19. And after getting my robo-ass handed to me in the first couple rounds, I started to get the hang of this insane game. Sure the camera just goes wherever it wants and your opponent seems to always find himself right on the edge of your perspective, but it’s still fun! It’s a flat-out masher, folks. You mash to find the right camera angle, you mash to jump, and you mash to shoot super robo-missiles at your hapless robo-pponent. There are characters who are superfast, some have missiles, some have melee weapons, and there’s a girl one. She’s pink. Honestly, I played as missile-bot because he could spam ranged attacks and they sought out the opponent, which solved the whole “where is this GIANT ROBOT whose shooting me?!” issue the game suffers from.  It’s not a super deep game, and after six or so matches I was pretty done with it. But it’s got pretty sweet level design, it’s satisfyingly insane, and it’s a frenetic mash fest while it lasts. It’s the gaming equivalent of an extramarital affair. Short, sweet, and you try hard to not get an STD. (I don’t think my metaphors have made sense since episode two.) Anyway, 7/10. Check it out and see what madness you can get into!