I seen them kids trudging through the sand about a mile away. They ain’t got no idea where they goin’, an’ they carrin’ too much gear. Reminded me o’ my time on the beaches of Normandy.
Somethin’ ain’t right in their heads, ‘cause they jus’ spent 10 minutes singin’ to a cactus. It don’t help none that they prolly ain’t had no water since Eisenhower beat Truman, I recon.
Don’t get many visitors out here on a count of all the sand an’ heat. Also all them killer robots that roam around lookin’ to murder children. But I bet it’s mostly the sand.
I was gonna to call ‘em over an’ give ‘em some water. I don’t wanna see no kids get hurt. But right as I start wavin’ my hand at ‘em, the poindexter starts dancin’ like he’s got ants in his pants.
“Covered with scorpions!” he yells. “No! Covered with scorpions! Get ‘em off me!”
Them dang critters was all over him. The kids was brushin’ ‘em off, but that poindexter sure was screamin’ somethin’ fierce.
“Who would build bionic scorpions?!” he screams. “What possible service to humanity could this have?!”
Reminded me o’ that ijit doctor a while back, buildin’ robots to help folk, but he started runnin’ outta ideas right quick. Still don’t see how tops an’ skulls an’ bubble robots are gonna help nobody none.
When poindexter got clean, I called ‘em over, an’ they was mighty pleased that I could spare some water. While they was restin’, I told ‘em all about my days as a soldier of the good ol' U.S. of A.
“During the last war, I laid land mines in this here desert. I removed all but one of ‘em. Jus’ couldn’t find the little bugger. So watch yer step.”
“What war? Who were we fighting?” asks the boy with the baseball cap.
These kids gotta learn ‘em some history! “The Egyptians, boy! What 're they teachin’ ya in school?”
“Sir, I don’t remember learning anything about that warl,” says the little lady.
“Well they ain’t been teachin’ ya right!” I says. “Anyways, we sure showed them yella confederates a thing ‘r two!”
“That’s the civil war,” she says. “That would make you more than 100 years old.”
“An’ I look dang good, too!” I says. “An’ that plane over yonder – I call ‘er TwinBee – I flew ‘er in the Battle of Hastings. Bombed those dang Canadians right back to the Florida Everglades!”
The lady didn’t think I could hear her when she was talkin’ to the boy in the cap. She told ‘em to git goin’. I ignored ‘er.
“I could take y’all flyin’ with me. Only $5 a head. If y’all get 10 ticket stubs, I’ll let ya take Large Marge out fer a spin.”
“What’s a Large Marge?” asked the Poindexter.
“My tank, o’ course!”
“No thank you sir, we really do have to be on our-”
“TAKE ALL OF OUR MONEY!” yells the boy with the cap. “I wanna ride that tank!”
Man, that kid jus’ couldn’t get enough flyin’. We headed over the country.
An’ we went near the big city.
We even went down by the highways.
One time the little lady decided to wait on the ground. Recon she was gettin’ air sick. She says we look like bird way up high.
No one ain’t ever got enough ticket stubs to ride my tank, but them kids was havin’ more fun than a pig in a pile o’ trash! Sos I kept my word an’ sent ‘em off in style.
“Ya’ll jus’ keep to the sand,” I says. “An’ if ya see any of them giant killer robots, tell ‘em Large Marge sent ya!”
A couple hours later I was getin’ mighty irritated ‘cause them kids ain’t come back yet. So I jumped in my plane an’ looked fer ‘em.
An’ there they was, at that dang monkey shine, I’ll tell ya what!
I radioed to 'em. “What in tarnation 're ya’ll doin’ all the way out here?”
“I think we found that landmine of yours,” Poindexter says.
“Dagnabbit! I knew it was out here someplace!”
But afore I could land an’ help them kids out, one o’ them giant robots showed up an’ started whoopin’ on my tank!
“Shoot it! Use them guns!”
Them kids was firin’ away, but I couldn’t tell if it was doin’ any damage. That darn robot jus’ kept wailin’ on ‘em. I was comin’ in to shoot it in its metal hiney when it done blowed up! An’ Large Marge – she went with it!
I was afraid them kids was goners! I couldn’t make no landin’ on the sand, so I had to leave an’ walk back. All I found was pieces of steel an’ what was left o’ my tank.
I said a little prayer to Lord Jesus. God bless their souls.
They was my best customers.
All photography by Matt. Sprites/clay Loid provided by Earthbound Wiki.