A Tribute to Hugo, World's Greatest Street Fighter

In case you were wondering, Hugo is the best character in the newly released Ultra Street Fighter IV. In fact, he is the strongest character in every one-on-one fighting game he's ever blessed with his massive frame and wild, potentially delicious hair. (He's also quite the ladies man, as detailed in his heartwarming, face-smashing bio, "Hammer Mountain" by author I.M. Nembre-Juan.)

Hugo grinds his foe's bones into shoto Jell-o not because of his inhuman size or his sweet pink leotard, though these are obviously boons to his cause. No, he's the winningest due to three DEADLY moves:

HEAD STAB!

ASS STAB!

BALLS HOLD!

It's as easy as eins zwei drei.

He is also really, REALLY into potatoes, a fact that has taken nearly 20 years to unearth, and will take nearly as long to try to forget.

With the three DEADLY moves and potatoes, I predict a Hugo sweep the upcoming EVO tournament, culminating in Daigo vs. PR Balrog. They'll both be using Hugo and neither will be able to win, resulting in the first-ever EVO tie. EVO Moment 9001 will just be eight hours of draw games, with both competitors becoming increasingly distraught, until they both fall asleep simultaneously. 

Congratulations, Hugo. I knew you were the big potato all along.   

Back in the Ring with Ultra Street Fighter IV

After countless teases and trolls for nearly a year, Ultra Street Fighter IV is finally upon us.

Ultra is the fourth revision of Street Fighter IV since the series first dropped in 2008, revitalizing the fighting game genre much like Street Fighter II did for U.S. arcades in 1991.

 

Rolento reminds me a little of D. Dark from Street Fighter EX...

If you moved on from SFIV a few years ago and are wondering why anyone cares about this upgrade, just move along. The game’s new competitors, modes, and stages probably aren't enough to get you excited.

But for anyone else who’s remotely interested in Street Fighter, pick this up. Thankfully, Ultra is a more robust update than Arcade Edition was. It provides enough content to keep warriors like you seeking Street Fighter nirvana.

About half of the copied-and-pasted backgrounds from Street Fighter x Tekken feel out of place in the main SF universe, but the five additional characters – Final Fight’s Hugo, Rolento, and the ever-ambiguous Poison; along with Street Fighter III’s perky Elena and the “new” character Decapre – fit right in.

Despite her essentially being Cammy with a mask, Decapre is different enough from her “sister” to be fun to play. It would have been nice if her normals were more distinct, however.

Decapre's standing hard punch. She's been taking lessons from Claw (Vega), apparently.

Elena’s jumps are high and floaty, sometimes making it difficult to judge jump-in distance. But other than that, she plays a lot like her SFIII iterations, which is a good thing.

Ever wish Street Fighter IV had a larger, more German Zangief? Well, now it does! I doubt Hugo was at the top of anyone’s SF4 wish list, but he’s about as much fun to play as any other grappler. Just don’t expect to win any major tournaments with him.

"ASS STAB!"

Likewise, Poison isn’t going to be tearing up any tier lists, but she offers fresh and stylish rushdown play that’s more worth your time than, say, yet another shoto like Ryu, Akuma, Evil Ryu, and even eviler Akuma (AKA Oni).

Rolento is as good as he ever was in the Alpha series, feeling like a cross between a rekka character (think Fei Long) and Vega, thanks to his long reach. And his first alternate costume, unlocked if you have Street Fighter x Tekken data on your system, is hilarious. I guess he had to make money somehow after the collapse of Mad Gear.

And just to get this out of the way: The Udon “alternate 2” costumes are horrendous. Hire someone else next time around, Capcom.

The new balance tweeks (seemingly) bring most fighters closer to middle tier, but it’s going to take a few months for that to be determined.

For now, just pay your $15 bucks (or $40 for the retail disc, out August 5) and get back in the ring. 

Glad those dinos aren't hungry.

Just keep mashing, just keep mashing...

I always said that the Soul Calibur series is for button mashers. So I popped in SCV today, set one of the attack buttons to auto fire, and put my wallet on it to hold it down. My wallet is currently halfway through the game and officially more skilled than me.

Sweet, sweet vindication.

The Circle of Life

June 1996 - After their parents emerge from a 17-year slumber, new cicada larvae begins life underground.

Meanwhile, a young Matt enjoys his summer vacation overdosing on video games like Earthbound, Street Fighter Alpha, and whatever else he can get his hands on. His final days of the season are spent hurriedly downloading as many Duke Nukem 3D levels as possible on a 28.8 dialup connection to this “internet” thing, and punching his way through Tekken 2.

June 2013 - After 17 long years, the cicadas see the light of day. An older Matt, dejectedly driving to work, sees his first freshly-hatched cicada. It flies straight into his windshield and explodes. (Uh, sorry about that, little guy.)

Upon returning home, Matt plays Super Street Fighter IV and plans his next playthrough of Earthbound.

The circle of life is complete. 

Of Wii U and Wieners

Girl in the middle saw our posts before they were deleted, apparently.

On a Wii U, users can post drawings for other players to see as they progress through a game. One day, as entirely sober adults, my cousin and I drew a man mooning the camera and later, a big ol' wiener. About ten minutes later, we discovered that we had been banned from posting for awhile. 

This means that there is someone at Nintendo whose job is to sift through thousands of posts looking for crudely drawn wieners and the like at all hours of the day.

And this amuses me greatly.

Moderation – the key to healthy video gaming?

When Ramon Rivera brought his six-year-old son Christian to a Newburgh GameStop store earlier this month, he said he was concerned that the boy might be exposed to violence while playing video games.

“And then he’ll probably start acting the same way that they’re acting [in the game],” he said.

Christian left with a copy of NBA Live 2K10, a basketball game, but the boy had gone into the store with a much different outcome in mind.

“What was the name of that game you asked for?” Rivera asked his son. “You told the guy that you wanted it and he said it was no good for you; it had a lot of violence in it.”

“Grand Theft Auto,” Christian replied.

Rivera said, “He [the GameStop employee] told me it has a lot of bad stuff going on in there.”

Grand Theft Auto III, 2001

Rivera shares a concern held by many parents: Are violent video games, as Rivera suggests, a factor in children committing real life violence?

 “There’s a lot of research on the subject,” said Dr. Paul Schwartz, a professor of Psychology at Mount Saint Mary College in Newburgh. “Certainly violent video game viewing is not beneficial to the health and development of kids.

 “But what it comes down to is … there’s always been a boogieman for kids and adolescents. It used to be rock n’ roll, then it was television, then it was computers, [now] it’s violent video games.”

Schwartz says that just like any hobby, gaming can be a normal part of an adolescent’s life. Imagine a 14-year-old boy who plays on the school’s soccer team, is a member of the school band, and also plays video games both alone and with his friends for about an hour each day.

“There’s no evidence that that, in any way, would be a trigger for him to act in a violent manner,” said Schwartz. “There is no specific research that says, ‘Here’s [an adolescent]. He plays Grand Theft Auto; now he’s going to look to buy a black market 9mm gun and go out and shoot Newburgh police.’”

However, that doesn’t mean that parents should allow children equal access to kid-friendly titles like Super Mario Galaxy and bloody shooting games like the Call of Duty series.

“We’re very, very complex. And people don’t like complexity and certainly psychologists don’t like complexity. So we look to find some causative factors,” said Schwartz. “But just because there’s some level of correlation doesn’t mean that one causes the other. There may be a correlation between kids who play violent video games and their being violent, but the question remains: Are the video games the cause of the violence? Or the fact is that these kids are violent, and that’s why they play violent video games?

“These are all unanswered questions.”

Schwartz said that violence in movies, games and television programs is prevalent in today’s society. It’s impossible to know which children might find such violence to be a cathartic experience and which children might act more violently as a direct result of consuming such media.

Like the GameStop employee who said that Grand Theft Auto games aren’t appropriate for young children like Christian Rivera, Schwartz agreed that adolescents should be exposed to age-appropriate material. Fortunately for parents, there’s a video game rating system that mirrors the one used for films. On the front of every game dating back to approximately 1995, in the bottom left corner, is a rating: “E” for Everyone, “E10+” for Everyone 10 and Up, “T” for Teen, “M” for Mature, meaning for players 17 or older, or “AO” for adults only. On the back of the game is a list of specific content that a parent might find objectionable, from “comic mischief” to “intense violence.”

For those wondering, Grand Theft Auto titles have consistently earned a “Mature” rating since the original offering in 1997.

Rivera said he’s worried about his young son’s mind, but what about his body? What about the physical effects of gaming?

Daniel Valentin, a 26-year-old secondary education teacher at Albertus Magnus High School in Bardonia, N.Y. has been a gamer since the age of four or five. He says he routinely experiences pain in his hands, wrists and thumbs.

“Gaming pains are the worst. Monkey Ball on the 3DS busted my thumb and 50 hours of Soul Calibur has officially given me joint pain in my wrists and the base of my fingers,” he said. “Very few understand the plight of the gamer.”

This reporter suffered similar, recurring injuries after approximately 240 hours and 1,700 online bouts of Street Fighter IV and its successor, Super Street Fighter IV.

Though not everyone experiences repetitive motion injuries from gaming, there’s a simple way for parents to help prevent them from happening: Set a reasonable limit on your child’s play time. It’s also a good way to help your child develop in a balanced manner, said Schwartz.

“Video games can be a hobby. Video games can be an outlet. Video games can be a very positive social interaction. Why is gaming any more negative than stamp collecting; people spending three or four hours a day with stamps or coins?” he said. “The downside of gaming would be the downside of any extensive amount of time in front of a screen.

“If you spend five hours a day in front of your computer screen… than that’s negative because it limits your time face to face with friends, your other interaction time, and it keeps you for five hours in front of a computer screen – and we know about childhood and adolescent obesity.

“It’s like anything else: It can be very positive if done in moderation and there are other outlets.”

However, there’s one segment of the population, said Schwartz, who might benefit from many hours of gaming.

“Video games would be great for somebody who is old and retired,” he said, “because they can sit for five hours a day in front of a video screen and then go out and take a walk for an hour because that’s all they need [as mature adults]. But developing adolescents need more,” especially face to face social interaction and old fashioned family time.

While Christian looked over his new basketball software in the GameStop parking lot, Rivera said he wished he knew more about gaming so that he could make more informed choices for his son.

There’s a simple strategy parents can follow to do just that: Sit down and play video games with your children. One can learn a lot from the type of games a child prefers and the way he or she plays them. If nothing else, your child will enjoy some quality social interaction and family time – and it doesn’t take a psychologist to understand the benefits of that.

Journey to the Cave of Monsters

A dense fog covers the lonely back road. A young man descends from the darkness and enters the dimly lit Irish pub before him. He orders a drink – a double bloody strumpet with a twist of lime – almost mechanically.

She approaches him slowly; seductively. Her curly, white-blond hair bouncing with every step. She discretely removes the man sitting next to her target, dispatching him with a well placed blow to the head with a catfish. She sits down.

“I see you like Nintendo,” she mutters flirtatiously, pointing at the man’s Super Mario Bros. T-shirt.

“Yeah, I’ve had this shirt since I was nine,” he replies, smiling.

“I figured as much; it’s about 17 sizes too small. But I still like it. Seeing your nipples peering out and your bellybutton is a major turn on,” the she replies. “What do you say we go back to my place and play some Bubble Bobble?"

She winks at him seductively.

“Okay, babe,” the manly man returns. “As long as we don’t stay up past my bed time. Mommy gets angry and spanks me when I do that.”

“Whatever you want, Super Mario,” she replies sexually. “May I call you that?”

“Why would you call me ‘That?’ My name is…”

“Never mind. Just know that I’m going to call you Super Mario from now on,” says the woman.

They begin to stand up, and she adds, “You know, you really should stop smoking,” waving the carbon monoxide away from her face.

“I don’t,” Super Mario admits. “It’s the bartender. He’s on fire.”

“Oh, right,” the vixen replies. They leave quietly.

A few moments later, they find themselves in a dark, dripping alley. Super Mario is confused.

“I thought you said we were going to play some Bubble Bobble…!”

“Oh, we certainly are,” she laughs, moving away from him.

I step out from behind a strategically placed garbage can that’s somehow large enough to conceal me. I am tapping my fist in my hand. “You owe us money, Bubba. A lot of it. Where’s my money?”

“What…?!” Super Mario/Bubba exclaims. I can smell the fear he radiates as he realizes who is standing in front of him. “No! It’s you! I… Uh, well… Gimmie a few more days, won’t you? I swear I’ll…”

“I’m tired of waiting, Bubba,” I say. “I’d like you to meet some of my friends.”

A large man with long blonde hair reveals himself. He is wearing a cheaply made cardboard dragon suit, spray-painted blue. Another man emerges from the inside of the garbage can I was hiding behind; this one with a dark beard and an identical cardboard suit, only green.

“This is Bub,” I say, pointing to the bearded man in green. “And this is Bob,” I continue, pointing at the man in blue.

“No they’re not; That’s Randy Savage and Hulk Hogan!” Bubba exclaims, fear building in his voice.

“Where’s my money, Bubba?” I ask again, my voice calm and unfaltering.

Art thou bored?

“I… I don’t have it!” Bubba yells frantically, looking for a way out. But there is none. We stand, staring at each other, in a dead end.

“Well then, Bubba, now it is the beginning of a fantastic story! Let us make a journey to the cave of monsters. Good luck, fatass!”

I let out a small chuckle.

The makeshift dragons close in on Bubba, cracking their knuckles, as a hick band materializes out of nowhere. “Come on, Bubba, let’s play some Bubble Bobble! Yee - haw!” bellows the lead hick.

The cheery Bubble Bobble theme fills the dense air as the double dragons pound a flailing Bubba. The girl and I walk away as Bubba screams something about being an organ donor.

As we travel the calm streets, the girl and I, I look at her and smile. I tell her that she means a lot to me.

“You’re the refrain of my life, kid. I just keep coming back to you.”

She looks at me with her soft blue eyes, smiles, and says, “That’s because I’m the only person left who will tie your shoes for you anymore.”

“Right,” I reply, as we continue through the fog.