An Underwhelming E3

Despite the best intentions of my plump, juicy (and likely very tasty) brain, my pathetic body slumbered blissfully through Nintendo's E3 presentation yesterday, in which Reggie Fils-aime apparently announced a lot of cool stuff, like the same Zelda game Nintendo promised us at last year's E3 and a Kid Icarus title that's been in the works for quite awhile. Also, there was something about affixing random letters to the end of the already stupid Wii name and calling it a different console - the Wii U, which sounds like a frighteningly surreal college where small children go to become more proficient at Wii Sports. However, I'm a biased, bitter old man with a cane fashioned from the microchips of thousands of copies of Super Mario/Duckhunt, so I promise to withhold my ire until further information on Nintendo's next gen box is available.

What really excited me was the announcement of Super Mario 3D for the 3DS, which appears to have ripped a page from Mario 3's book by bringing back the beloved Tanooki suit. I'm sure it won't recapture the magic of Mario's NES days, but I'm still going to keep an eye on it. After all, a pale but well-intentioned imitation of a beloved classic is better than another insipid Pokemon title.

IT HAS A TAIL

I also missed Sony's pitch, but I assume it was just an hour and a half of high-level businessmen apologizing over the recent PSN outage and committing sepukuu, then a man dressed as Cole MacGrath from inFAMOUS nervously explaining how Sony's new security features will add hours of fun to your PlayStation Home trolling experience.

Thankfully-ish, my brain was able to jolt my body awake in time for the Xbox 360 presentation, which consisted of approximately 4000 first person shooters - all sequels - another Tomb Raider game that didn't look too bad, and the fact that now you can be much more lazy when purchasing content on the Xbox Marketplace by just screaming out what you want to buy instead of using the wireless controller to navigate menus. If my neighbors don't think that I'm crazy at this point, my early morning shouts of "Xbox! Show me Transformers cartoons NOW!" should confirm their worst fears.

Halo 4 or whatever; yawn.

Microsoft's showing show presented me with a conundrum: How could I have been mind shatteringly disinterested in a show completely devoted to my favorite pass time?

The most important thing this year's E3 taught me is that no matter how disillusioned I become with Nintendo, I'd still rather hang with them than wade through the uninspired shooter wasteland that is the Xbox 360.

PlayStation Store Welcomes Back the Easily Pleased

YOU CAN'T CATCH WHAT YOU CAN'T SEE

Sony says it’s sorry that a bunch of hackin’ hooligans stole my personal information (and 101.9999 million other people’s too) about two months ago, so they’re letting me play Sonic the Hedgehog 2 for free! That’s right; 1991’s badest dude with a ‘tude is back and radder than ever in the much anticipated sequel to the SMASH HIT Sega Genesis game!

I am So EXCITED that the true power of the PlayStation 3 will finally be properly unleashed to play this 16-bit gem and I can assure you that I will be comparing the PSN title’s performance to that of the original Genesis cart, the Saturn Sonic Jam disc, the Sonic Mega Collection for Xbox, PS2 and Gamecube, The Genesis Collection for PS2 and Sonic’s Ultimate Genesis Collection for the Xbox 360 and PS3. This is very much worth having my credit card possibly compromised and ultimately canceled due to my own paranoia. I’m sure that my ninth copy of Sonic 2, not including the emulated ones I have on my PC, Nintendo DS and PlayStation 2, will be just as fun as the first. I just won’t be able to access the sound test or enter any cheats this time, because the game is set to automatically bypass that stuff this time around. Yaay!

Sonic the Hedgehog 2 times eight.

I really do enjoy Sonic the Hedgehog 2, but I somehow feel that this and the other shrugworthy games available as part of Sony’s much advertised “Welcome Back!” program are simply not enough to effectively cajole customers into once again suckling complacently from Sony’s blackened teat. As it turns out, the non-PlayStation Plus titles available under the program are all dated. For example, free Little Big Planet is nice, but I could also get the disc-based original with a case and manual for a small but passionate ass-based dance at my local GameStop. I already own and have defeated Infamous, and I’ve never even heard of Dead Nation, but I chose it as my second free game because the others were just as unappealing as the PlayStation Plus content. Oh, and apparently, the PS Plus content will only be available to users for 30 days (or until your subscription to the service ends), so you’d better get playing.

If all this wasn’t disappointing enough, I’m having problems accessing the PlayStation Store. More than once tonight, I’ve received a message that the title I’m trying to download is unavailable because the store is “undergoing maintenance.” Maybe the disturbance is due to so many people logging on at once. Oh well; at least I didn’t lose my second free game, as reported by Mark Hachman of PC Magazine.

In the interest of fairness, it’s full disclosure time: Though I at one point said that I was going to leave the PS3 alone, I - like my comrade Evan Ritchie - cannot find it in myself to stay away from the company that gave me gaming gold like the Tekken series, Metal Gear Solid and a controller that doesn’t suck for fighting games. I’m really not the guy Sony has to impress. But the gaming fate of millions of others hangs in the balance, and I’m not sure this ho-hum peace offering is enough to keep them around.

Sony, you have been warned.

Oh, and for the record: While the “attract mode” demo was playing on my new PSN copy of Sonic 2, for just a second, I felt the same twinge of excitement I used to get in fourth grade when I loaded up the game. Perhaps this Welcome Back program really has given me something worth my trouble after all.

Yeah, not really.

"Dear Sony, You got hacked YET AGAIN; I'm leaving you."

UPDATE: Sony claims that despite reports, there's been some confusion as to the scale and scope of the hack. So according to them, no real attack has taken place. Check out this website for more information.

*   *   *

It's not me Sony, it's you.

According to a report by the International Business Times, Sony's extensive new PlayStation Network security features, implemented only days ago, have been turned against them: The ailing company has been hacked yet again.

ARRRRGH!

Reportedly, the same group of hackers responsible for the original security breach that copped the personal information and possibly credit card numbers of more than 100 million user profiles is at it again, this time taking control of PSN accounts linked to users who have yet to reset their passwords.

PSN: Please Sony, NO!

"The hackers reportedly infiltrated the new mandatory PSN password reset system, manipulating the confirmation link sent to individuals trying to change their PSN password, modifying it into [a] tool that has allowed them to once again take control of many users accounts," said Alastair Stevenson, reporter for the International Business Times.

Sony says that users who changed their passwords already will not be affected by the latest attack on the company. However, users who have not yet signed back into PSN after its nearly month-long downtime will be unable to access the PlayStation 3's online features until Sony sorts out their newest woes.

PlayStation Network remains online for the time being.

Yesterday, tech guru and Best Buy Geek Squad agent Mike Quinn described Sony's pre-hack security to me as the equivalent of leaving one's car doors open, with the car running and the sunroof down. It seems that Sony's post-hack situation isn't much different.

This latest debacle just might be the last straw for me and Sony's big Blu box. As much as I despise the controller, I might just have to make Xbox 360 my system of choice for a while. Or better yet, I could just play through SNES Earthbound again while this whole thing blows over.

You can keep the car, house and the kids Sony. But I'm taking the Nintendo and you can't stop me.

And Silent Hill; I'm gonna take that too.

DEADLIEST Bore-ier, uh, Warrior now on PS3!

I downloaded the demo for the Deadliest Warrior game today, wondering to myself, “What could be cooler than history’s greatest warriors duking it out for imaginary supremacy, right here on my very own PS3?”

The answer is quite a few other things.

Not as cool as it looks.

The demo gives us two fighters, the ninja and the Spartan, as well as one background in which to rumble. You can’t customize your weapons in this demo or see what arcade mode is all about, but at least you can customize the color of your warrior’s garb, as long as the color you want, aside from black and white, is either lime green or hot pink. I prefer to dress my characters in white so I can see the badly rendered wound effects more clearly.

Ninja laundry uses plenty of soap.

The full version boasts eight warriors to choose from, including a pirate for thousands upon thousands of obligatory pirate vs. ninja matches both in your own depraved home and online. Disappointingly, the roster does not include Rocky Balboa or Sarah Pailin.

Note the arms humorously waving in pain from just off camera.

The Spartan has a spear that’s approximately 7,000 feet long and colossal shield that would make even the mighty Captain America shed a tear in patriotic jealousy. The ninja is equipped with a pocket knife short sword, some kind of scythe and chain thing that I call “the whirly-do,” and six throwing stars (shuriken). The ninja always loses to the Spartan, even when wearing a hot pink uniform. He is stabbed relentlessly from across the screen while the Spartan uses his other arm to polish his golden armor.

Take THAT, Storm Shadow! What are you, some kind of snow ninja?

This is definitely a case of ninja racism. We ALL know that it would have never come down to a one-on-one battle between these two warriors. The ninja would have assassinated the Spartan at breakfast via poisoned Cocoa Puffs, or barring that, he would have used his laser vision to decapitate the Spartan, comically leaving the other warrior’s hand about to shovel cereal into a mouth that no longer exists. Conversely, if the ninja is feeling playful, he could set his eye lasers to low power and use them to heat the contents of the Spartan’s bowels, causing the armored titan to run to the little Spartan’s room and lose the match by missing it completely.

Other things Deadliest Warrior forgets about ninjas:

1. Ninjas can fly.

2. Ninjas slice off heads, arms and privates in one or two lighting fast movements, not 800.

3. Ninjas are impervious to inferior Spartan technology; Shuriken thrown by master ninjas have been known to penetrate titanium bricks 122 feet thick and still have enough killing power to show grandma the cold sting of death as she tends to her garden, thinking she is protected by her pathetic metal walls. A wooden shield would be toast in seconds.

4. Ninjas always win. NO EXCEPTIONS. (When two ninjas fight each other, it is considered a double victory.)

5. Ninjas can breathe underwater and probably in outer space.

6. Ninjas LOVE kittens. It is their only weakness.

(Extremely blurry) fatality!

What makes the Spike series of the same name bearable is that they took the concept of the old Neo-Geo brawler World Heroes and made it into a TV show. Deadliest Warrior, at least for the last 10 minutes of every episode, is kind of like watching a video game. But when you take the idea and go the opposite direction with it, you get an uninspiring PlayStation 1 quality fighter. And I’m not talking about  awesome PS1 versus games like Street Fighter Alpha, Rival Schools and Tekken. I’m referring to war crimes like Vs., Samurai Showdown III: Blades of Blood and Skydiving Extreme, the last of which is only considered a fighting game because of what most people do the clerk who sold it to them after playing for only a few moments. Herein lies the real problem with Deadliest Warrior: It would have been pretty good if it had been released 10 to 15 years ago, but now it just feels like a lazy franchise cash in.

But like I said, at least in the retail version you can play pirates vs. ninjas, which just might be worth the $10 price of admission.

THIS IS SPARTA!

Duke Nukem Forever is ALIVE and Gunning for a 2011 Release!

Always bet on Duke!

After last May's heartbreaking (or hilarious, depending on your point of view) news that Duke Nukem Forever was either canceled or indefinitely put on hold after most of the staff at 3D Realms was fired, it was confirmed just hours ago at the PAX gaming conference that everyone's favorite womanizing badass alien killer will indeed be seeing the light of day in after all. According to several websites, including vgreleases.com, Duke Nukem Forever will be coming to the Xbox 360, PS3 and PC sometime next year!

According to Wired.com, Gearbox CEO Randy Pitchford exclaimed to a group of gamers waiting to play the two-level DNF demo, "You cannot kill Duke. You cannot kill Duke!" Pitchford is a former employee of 3D Realms and, said Wired.com, he was wearing the Duke Nukem shirt the company gave him in 1996.

How sweet it is!

If you know anything about the sordid history of DNF, you'll know to take this announcement with a grain of salt. Anyone who has been gaming for 15 years or more is probably well aware that Duke Nukem Forever was originally announced around 1997 running on the Quake II engine, and the dudes at 3D Realms have been "working" on it for more than a decade. They always said the game will be ready "when it's done" in order to make endless improvements - or perhaps just fool around - for years on end. After plenty of engine changes and total rewrites, this is the first time I can remember that Duke Nukem Forever has been given anything that looks like a solid release date, so we might actually see it in the next five years or so.

What's really exciting about this announcement is that DNF is still alive. And to the Duke faithful, that's all that matters.

The Xbox 360 demo's title screen 

I am now and will always be a huge fan of the original Duke Nukem 3D; I consider it the finest first person shooter title ever conceived. (Thanks for showing it to me all those years ago Tom; I'm FOREVER in your debt!) I nuked my way through all the official add-ons, like Duke Caribbean: Life's a Beach, Duke It Out in D.C. and Duke! Zone 2. I also finished the 1,000 level add-on Nuke It!, though it took me a good three years. I'm one of those guys who always had faith in Duke Nukem Forever, though I knew it wasn't coming out when they said it was... ever. Even if DNF turns out to be the worst game I've ever played, I'm ecstatic that it still has a chance to take its rightful place on my gaming shelf.

There's just one thing left to tell the naysayers: Come get some! (Maybe, possibly, one day. I hope!)

Castlevania: Lords of Shadow to Reboot Series with Star Fleet Captain and Man Who Hides in Boxes

When I woke up this morning (okay, afternoon), the first thing I thought was that the next Castlevania game would be awesome if it starred Professor Xavier from the X-Men movies and Captain Picard from Star Trek: The Next Generation. That’s why I was so happy to see that Castlevania: Lords of Shadow, due out Oct. 5 for the PS3 and the Xbox 360, will feature the voice talent of everyone’s favorite Shakespearean actor turned nerd magnet, Patrick Stewart! It’s not quite as awesome as Xavier fighting alongside Picard, but it’s exciting nonetheless.

Apparently, Lords of Shadow is being worked on in some capacity by Hideo Kojima of Metal Gear Solid fame. That means the cut scenes will probably be excessively long and confusing, and since this game is supposed to reboot the series, the main character will likely be called Solid Belmont and hide in a lot of crates during gameplay.

Speaking of reboots, the only reason to do away with all the Castlevania lore of the past 24 years is that sadsack Wii game, Castlevania Judgement. But even that headache wasn’t awful enough to erase great characters like Simon, Trevor and Richter Belmont, Alucard, Eric Lecarde and Soma Cruz. After Lords of Shadow, I’m afraid the coming years will bring us sissy reimaginings of all those legendary Castlevania protagonists – well, except for Soma Cruz; he already looks like a wienie.

I’ll give this game the chance it deserves, but I can’t shake the nagging feeling that after a few games in the Lords of Shadow timeline, Konami will suddenly start back up with the old one. In the mean time, go watch the E3 ’09 trailer for the 19th time.

Watch E3 '09 Lords of Shadow Trailer at YouTube

Mafia II: A Standard Shooter in a Pretty Package?

After a four year wait, Mafia II  hit the shelves Tuesday, Aug. 24 with a bang. If you're a fan of Grand Theft Auto style games, the first Mafia title or both, you probabbly want to sink your teeth into this seedy sequal right now. But there's a few things you should know first! Check out my "Game of the Month" Mafia II review at Gaming Life!

Or, if links just ain't your bag, here's the full text:

It’s just after Christmastime in the Big Apple and the Second Great War rages across Europe. Near a rundown alley in Little Italy, an elderly woman speaks to a homebound soldier about his family and the changes that have taken place since he was deployed; a group of young men try to lure their reluctant friend out for a beer; and a war plane buzzes overhead, on its way to defend the Stars and Stripes against the tyranny of Hitler and his Nazis. It’s not the typical video game setting – and at first, you’ll think that Mafia II isn’t going to be a typical video game.

It’s hard not to be jazzed after such an impressive introduction to the game’s world and characters, but underneath all the painstaking period research and the dazzling atmosphere, Mafia II is just a standard Grand Theft Auto clone. It’s an enjoyable way to spend a few of your gaming hours, but there’s not much here that hasn’t been done before.

Mafia II tells the squalid story of Vito Scaletta, an immigrant from Sicily and a WWII veteran who goes from decorated war hero to cold-blooded mobster. Over the course of the game, Vito and his lifelong buddy Joe Barbaro – voiced by Robert Costanzo, who also played Detective Harvey Bullock in Batman the Animated Series – try to live the good life by pulling odd jobs for dangerous people. Petty thefts and illicit trades escalate and soon the blood flows deep freely. In this game more than any other that I’ve played, there’s something intensely profound and disturbing about watching an otherwise good man throw his life away and, via your own controller, you are the driving force behind it all.

A moderately compelling narrative is enough to keep players interested beyond just the gameplay, but sometimes the storyline gets sloppy. Towards the end, it seems like nearly everyone in the game is somehow responsible for the despicable deed that has Vito suddenly out for revenge, and with no real main antagonist, the final fight utilizes “the ol’ switcharoo” that’s become common in Grand Theft Auto style games over the years. Your efforts will earn you a cliché but suitable conclusion and the final, potent line will stay with you for quite awhile. I just wish the ending were more than two minutes long.

A word of warning: Some players might find the dialogue and subject matter of this game offensive, and for good reason. Vito and his mostly Italian compatriots drop f-bombs more than actual explosives, racial slurs are part of everyday conversation, and judging from the actions of Joe and his buddies, drunken sex is always the order of the day. Though potentially offensive, Mafia II just manages to be less distasteful than some other games that come to mind.

Stunning skylines and sunsets are enough to make any graphics hound happy, and Mafia II has some of the best water effects I’ve ever seen, this generation or last. The cut scenes are near movie quality and Gearheads will appreciate the level of detail in the cars as well as the inclusion of a “carcyclopedia” accessible from the main menu. It’s a shame that Mafia II’s highest available resolution is 720p, because this game would look spectacular in full 1080p HD glory.

Mafia II’s soundtrack is nothing short of awe-inspiring. In addition to excellently crafted symphonic suites, period accurate tunes like “Let It Snow” by Dean Martin, “Praise the Lord and Pass the Ammunition” by Kay Kyser and “Rock Around the Clock” by Bill Haley and His Comets help create a realistic and vastly immersive atmosphere unmatched by any other video game up to now. The plethora of licensed tunes also lend themselves the game’s cruel sense of humor: “Straighten Up and Fly Right” by the Andrews Sisters suddenly pops on the radio as you speed away from the police in a freshly-stolen car, and as you’re trying to unload illegal goods on a strict time limit, a bunch of cops burst into the shop as the radio blares “Held for Questioning” by Rusty Dapper.

If you’re familiar with action games at all, it won’t be long before you’re ripping off cars and taking down mobsters like pro. Mafia II’s run ‘n gun controls are similar to Grand Theft Auto IV and don’t take much to get used to, but they can also be strangely unresponsive. For example, when the fuzz is on your tail and you’re trying to jack a set of wheels as quickly as possible, sometimes Vito simply refuses to get in until you ram the button 15 times. By then you’ve either been captured or cut down by a volley of unrelenting gunfire, so it’s a bit annoying to say the least.

The action is focused mainly on gunplay, so there are no melee weapons available beyond your own bare hands. Just like in the demo, the player cannot engage another character in hand to hand combat unless that character is willing to come to blows. So unlike other sandbox games, stalking around the city and pounding random innocents into the ground like some kind of reverse Spider-man is basically out of the question. However, this sacrifice is made in the name of a simple but satisfying unarmed combat system, consisting of light and heavy punches, a dodge button and a few easy combos. You’ll be coming back to this over and over again, so it’s best to master the fighting controls early.

While it’s a fun play to be sure, Mafia II’s biggest problem is that it’s too linear. Other sandbox games have multiple missions you can chose to deal with at you leisure; this one wants to keep the player on a specific path, as evidenced by the fact that the game is broken up into chapters. The action drags a little near the middle of the game, and it’s at this point when Mafia II is at its most “business as usual.” A truly explosive finale is coming, replete with betrayals and blazing guns, so hang in there until the end – you’ll be happy you did.

There’s not much in the way of side quests. Collectable wanted posters and Playboy magazines litter Mafia II’s landscape, but that’s about it. The retro erotica has a certain naive charm and it adds to the game’s seedy atmosphere, but it’s mostly pointless in terms of gameplay. It’s just another fetch quest, this time with a little nudity thrown in. If you’re not a teenage boy, you probably won’t be spending too much time with these sensuous centerfolds.

Unless you’re a huge fan of the original Mafia or a GTA action junkie, there’s not much reason to rush out to the store and drop 60 of your hard earned dollars on Mafia II. This game has a lot going for it and I urge you to play it, but it’s probably to your advantage to wait until the price drops a bit. It’s a shame, too: The game’s elegant ambiance is almost enough to make me recommend Mafia II to the masses, but an occasionally stagnant storyline, a several uncreative missions and strictly linear gameplay knock this one down a peg. Say it ain’t so, Joe!

Score: 7.7 out of 10

Collector’s Edition Information

With its sleek metal packaging and sweet cover art, the $80 Mafia II Collector’s Edition looks like a no-brainer, but should you really shell out the extra cash for it? The 100 page art book proves to be mildly appealing and is packed with concept art, a pin-up girl gallery and even some Mafia II “movie posters,” but as a whole, it’s probably not going to be that interesting to the average gamer. Likewise, if you can’t see yourself cruising around in your ride while pumping gripping, orchestral beats, the included CD soundtrack probably won’t persuade you to blow another 20 bones on the game.

What really separates the Collector’s Edition from the standard release of Mafia II is the bonus downloadable content. Those who take the Collector’s Edition plunge will have immediate access to the Made Man pack, which includes two stylin’ suits and a couple of new autos for your in-game garage. My Mafia II: Collectors Edition from Best Buy came with a “preorder” bonus of the Greaser pack, even through I didn’t reserve a copy. (The Greaser pack is very similar to the Made Man pack in that it grants the player two new outfits and a few extra cars.) I can’t guarantee that you’ll luck out and get the Greaser pack if you shop at Best Buy, but that little tidbit might make a difference in your choice of stores. Finally, the PS3 Collector’s Edition has a one-up on the Xbox version: It comes with the Sony exclusive mini-game The Betrayal of Jimmy, an arcade style take on Mafia II’s brutal brand of action. While it’s not fantastic, this add-on is just enough to make the PS3 version more desirable than its 360 cousin.

Old School Gaming Bliss with Scott Pilgrim vs. The World: The Game

I can't tell you how great this game is, especially for all those NES gamers out there who miss classics like Double Dragon and River City Ransom. Actually, I CAN tell you: Head on over to Gaming Life and read my review!

Or, if you're too lazy to click the link, here's the full text:

If you’re old enough or cool enough to remember the hard punching, tire throwing, gut busting NES cult classic River City Ransom, there’s seriously no reason to keep reading this review. Log into PSN and start downloading Scott Pilgrim vs. The World: The Game right now, or barricade yourself in your house until Aug. 25 and get it from Xbox Live. Either way, you’re in for the best 2D arcade experience since Megaman 9 and Super Street Fighter II HD Remix.

Based on a comic I never read and a movie I haven’t seen yet, Scott Pilgrim vs. The World is equal parts side-scrolling fighter and gushy love letter to the 8-bit era. After selecting one of four heroes (and getting flashbacks to Super Mario Bros. 2), it’s the player’s job to pound wave after wave of bad guys into the pavement, a la Final Fight or Streets of Rage, with the ultimate goal of defeating all seven of Scott’s lover’s ex-boyfriends. Up to four people can join the fight at once, watching each other’s backs simultaneously.

There are two attack buttons: The square button initiates a quick flurry of attacks and the triangle button produces a slower and stronger “heavy attack” combo. Special attacks are learned along the way and range from highly useful to barely sufficient. In addition, everything the player finds lying around can be used as a weapon, from baseball bats to plastic buckets, and they can either be thrown at or used to bludgeon nearby baddies. Even enemies themselves can be picked up and used in the same fashion, just the River City Ransom.

And speaking of River City Ransom, Scott Pilgrim vs. The World clearly owes much of its existence to this and many other old school NES games. It may look like a well-drawn PlayStation 1 title, but this download sounds and plays like something straight out of the ‘80s. There’s a secret shop in the first stage in EXACTLY the same area as in River City Ransom, a hit point system reminiscent of Final Fantasy 1 and even a reference to Clash at Demonhead, a bizarre NES platformer lost to the annals of time. The music is half chip tune, half punk rock, with guitar solos and awesome drum riffs that sneak up on you as you progress through the well-designed stages. As a seasoned gamer (read: old man), the title screen music nearly made me cry. I knew the game I was about to play encompasses everything great we’ve had to sacrifice in the name of progress over the last two decades of gaming evolution.

You don’t even have to appreciate old school gaming to enjoy Scott Pilgrim vs. The World: The Game and it’s a steal at the $10 price of admission. With the exception of somewhat slow moving player characters and the occasional control problem, it’s no wonder this game snagged a nod for the “Best Downloadable Game of E3.” There’s no clearer way to say this: I want to have this game’s babies.

Take THAT, the world!

The Godfather: The Game - An Entirely Accurate Lesson in History and Culture

I’ve never seen any of the films in the Godfather trilogy, so my knowledge of the franchise is limited to cliché “offer you can’t refuse” imitations of the late Marlin Brando and cheap allusions to the series in the cartoons of my youth: The Godpigeon from Animaniacs comes to mind, as well as the fact that calling him “Godfeather” would have been so much more witty. Furthermore, I don’t know much about Italian culture aside from what the 1989 Super Mario Bros. cartoon taught me, including the crucial fact that every Italian is preoccupied with spaghetti, pizza, meatballs and ravioli to the point of obsession.

So obviously, The Godfather: The Game, Electronic Art’s awkwardly-named sandbox title for Xbox, Xbox 360, PS2, PS3 and Wii, was the perfect choice for my newest gaming excursion – as well as a much-needed lesson in Italian culture.

In The Godfather: The Game, your goal is to change your name to Donald. Currently, there is only one man named Donald: Vito Corleone, often shortened to “Don Corleone.” People are always nice to Donald Corleone because he has a lot of money, kind of like Donald Trump, who must be really good at The Godfather: The Game. Also, the Donald is allowed to talk with his mouth full, which he seems to do at every given opportunity because it’s pretty hard to understand him sometimes. About three quarters through the game, Donald Vito Corleone is tired of being Donald and wants to play with his grandchildren or something – it’s not explained too well – and suddenly, your character has a chance to be the one and only Donald, the Donald of New York City (often just called “The Don of NYC”). I’m not sure how they know that no one else in New York has named their child Donald, but the game is pretty sure there’s only one Donald available at any given time, so who am I to argue?

The only way you can become Donald is through punching and choking a bunch of bakers, bartenders and hotel owners until they give you money, presumably because a prerequisite to being the Donald is to be rich. To do this, you maneuver your character into an establishment that is otherwise peaceful and you find the person who runs the joint. It’s pretty easy to find them because they all wear the same black and white hat that floats three feet above their heads. Also, the layout of every bakery, bar and nightclub is basically the same, because during the Great Depression, around the time when this game is set, people didn’t have enough money to buy different businesses. Instead, they all pooled their money, bought one building, and made illegal copies of it though Napster.

Anyway, when you find the owner, you punch him or her. A lot. The manual calls this part of the game “Blackhand,” but my character’s hands are clearly Caucasian, so I call it “The Lady Punching Part” or just “Dad” for short. After stopping the evil bakers and whatnot, they donate to your Donald fund. Thanks to what I’ve learned about Italian culture so far from the Godfather game, I can only assume that in addition to troths full of pasta sauce and crazed bouts of binging thousands of meatballs, Italian family reunions include patrolling the neighboring streets looking for palette-swapped businesspeople to terrorize, then eat pizza with.

Your enemies, aside from prostitutes and flower shop owners, are other mobsters. The mobsters dressed like normal people yell things like “please don’t kill me” when you attack them and are the wimpiest enemies in the game, but the other mobsters, the ones dressed in blue, green, yellow and red, usually put up more of a fight.

Battling the other mobsters is no easy task, but the real challenge is taking care of all the people who betray you. There are some truly unbelievable double and triple crosses that will have you yelling, “No way!” Or as Super Mario would say, “That’s un-pasta-ble!”

Also, “It’sa me, Mario! Let’sa go!”

In addition to the excellent gameplay, The Godfather: The Game: The Soundtrack is wonderful. The Godfather theme sounds just like it does on my copy of “Mob Hits Vol. 1,” a series of albums aimed at Italians which is not offensive in the least. My only complaint about the soundtrack is that the cops, all of whom are Irish, don’t have their own appropriate theme songs involving the color green. Incidentally, I like store my copy of Mob Hits next to my album of whimsical drinking songs about leprechauns and potato farming called “Lazy Drunken Red-headed Hits.”

Before I end this review, I’d like to thank Electronic Arts and The Godfather: The Game for teaching me all there is to know about Italian culture without resorting to insulting stereotypes or grossly misrepresenting 99 percent of the Italian populous. Thanks EA; you’ve done just as much for Italian culture in the 2000s as the Super Mario cartoon did in the 1980s.

Next week on Wordsmith VG: I learn all there is to know about African American culture by playing DJ Boy on Sega Genesis, studying Barrett from Final Fantasy VII and watching the first season of Goodtimes over and over again. DY-NO-MITE!

Silent Hill Sunday #1: Next Stop, the Nightmare Town

You wake up sweating and disoriented. Sitting up, your gaze darts wildly about the surrounding area. Then, your heart beat lessens, the terror leaves you, and you let out a sigh of relief. There you are, in your own bed. The only remnants of your nightmare are the now-cold puddle of sweat you’re sitting in, foggy memories of an unpleasant being, and a vague feeling of unease. By the time you’re in the bathroom, brushing your teeth, your mind is already on something else. For you, the nightmare is over.

Now try to imagine a world where the nightmare is never over; a world of constant fear, where you’re already awake, and dying is the only release. Yet, even death may not bring the relief you seek, for what awaits you afterwards may be even worse. This is the curse of Silent Hill.

Since the original title on the PlayStation was unleashed on the unsuspecting gaming public, the Silent Hill series has been terrifying players around the world for more than a decade. After the first two critically acclaimed games and a respectable third entry into the series, Konami’s outings into the nightmare town became increasingly stale and formulaic, despite new gameplay elements introduced to each successive title. While Silent Hill games once required an overdose of tranquilizers and a good therapist to complete, entries like Silent Hill Origins, the sixth game in the main series, inspired as much terror a typical Syfy channel flick on a Saturday afternoon.

However, the recent Silent Hill: Shattered Memories on the Wii shook up the series’ gameplay by removing combat entirely and adding motion controls. Many players think this was the kick in the pants the series needed to revive an ailing franchise. The eighth Silent Hill game is due out in 2011, for Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3.

Regardless of the quality of the gameplay in later entries, the soundtrack for each of the seven games in the series is varied and creepy, incorporating the tag team of Japanese composer Akira Yamoaka and, from the third game on, American singer Mary Elizabeth McGlynn. Yamoaka reportedly will not be producing the music for the next Silent Hill game; taking over the reigns will be Daniel Licht, the music composer for Showtime’s Dexter.

In celebration of a series that took survival horror to such terrifying highs and drab lows, allow me to introduce Silent Hill Sundays here at Wordsmith VG. At least two Sundays a month, I’ll write about a different aspect of the Silent Hill series, from reviews to theories to little-known SH tidbits.

Coming up next: “Have you seen a little girl? Short, black hair. She just turned seven.”

PlayStation Home: All Investment, and NO RETURN…

I knew before I even loaded it up that the PS3 “social network” – PlayStation Home – is a colossal waste of time. But I’ve discovered over the last few weeks that if you’re not careful, Home will consume your every free moment like a bear eating a honey-drenched child, whether you like it or not.

The first time I used PlayStation Home, I fashioned my avatar after my real life appearance: an obese, four foot tall vampire child with an impeccable mullet. I found my way to the Central Plaza where hundreds of tweens just like me were talking about lol, wtf, and of course, stfu. No one understood what I was saying because I occasionally spoke in full sentences, so I signed off after about three minutes. Add that to the time it takes the software to load, and my first Home experience only lasted about 45 minutes.

But one dark day several months later, while I was waiting for my girlfriend to finish eating her dinner, I fired up PlayStation Home on her PS3. She had made the same mistake I did by modeling her avatar after her real life appearance. Not six seconds after materializing in the Central Plaza, a man with a bucket on his head, trousers of gray steel and horrifying lobster claws barreled up to me and informed me that he wanted to “lick [my] pepperoni nipples."

That’s when I knew it was time for a virtual sex change.

Back on my own PS3, I did my best to create a respectable woman to represent me online. After witnessing a cavalcade of scantily clad women populating the PlayStation Home world, it was my attempt counteract thousands of years of chauvinism and female repression. Then I spent the first 20 minutes trying to look up my own skirt.


Sure enough, as a woman I met all manner of wierdos, with a good 20 percent of them trying to get into my virtual pantaloons. I’m really not sure what the point is of hitting on people via a crappy, sometimes creepy PS3 application, but then again, I’m not a freaky eyeball man with a grass skirt and a drinking problem.



But even with Playstation Home’s violently dressed, war criminal avatars like these, talking to people online hasn’t been fun since the novelty wore off around 1998. I realized that the only real way to have fun with PlayStation Home is to become a good ol’ fashioned troll. For example, think of all the fun you’d have in the following scenario:

“Hello,” you say to a random male avatar. You make your video vixen stand as sexfully as possible by using the “coy” expression.

“hay baby,” they reply, very slowly.

“Anus,” you say. While he’s dumbfounded and searching for a response, you run away while yelling “Goodbye.” It’s a bit sophomoric, but it’s still funnier than anything Larry the Cable Guy has come up with.

Another of my favorites is to tell people I’m “magic” and ask them if they want to see a trick. When they inevitably say yes, I change from a pretty young redhead to a fat old man. Then I begin grinding on their avatars via the woefully abusable “casual dance” option.

Despite acting like a sucrose-addled seven-year-old virtually every chance I get, I still receive random friend requests and, even better, messages touting the sturdiness of another user’s wang. For example: “i have a cam if you want to see my c*ck.”

I typed up the following reply: “I have a cam too if you want to see MINE.” Then I thought better of sending it for obvious reasons.

The more time you spend using PlayStation Home, the more you’ll wonder if it was coded by a group of Midwestern third graders as some sort of class project. I’ve already alluded to the fact that you could go play a quick game of Monopoly while waiting for it to load, but there’s also a host of weird bugs, especially in the content offered by third party companies. Consider Red Bull Beach, where levitation isn’t just a way of life, but also a great way to be accosted by flying terrible slug women.

There’s also a bunch of clipping problems that children love to take advantage of at 4 a.m. when mom and dad aren’t looking.

Not even InFAMOUS guy knows what to do with this one.

The entire PlayStation Home experience can be summed up by an interaction I had once with someone Sony hired to help new users get into the game. I walked up to her, getting ready to turn into a fat old man while yelling “anus,” but then she asked me if I needed any help. I asked her if there were some way to set PlayStation Home to “fun” on the options screen.

“I don’t understand what you mean,” she replied. “What options screen?” Then she told me to buy a keyboard so I could get the most out of PlayStation Home.

The second I read that, I realized my odd infatuation had finally been drained dry.

“No thanks,” I said. “I think I’ve had enough.”

Ghostbusters the Video Game: Bustin' Make You Feel Good!

If you’re anything like me, you used to spend your Saturday mornings in front of the television with a bowl of Cap’n Crunch waiting for The Real Ghostbusters (and that God-awful Slimer show) to come on, you dragged your poor mother to the theater the morning Ghostbusters II hit the theaters and you can practically recite the Ghostbusters film word for word. If that sounds like you, just get in the car and don’t take your foot off the gas until you’re at the mall, because Ghostbusters The Video Game is what you’ve been dreaming about for the last 20 years.

For the other six of you still reading this review, I can wholeheartedly say that the newest incarnation of the franchise is the definitive Ghostbusters gaming experience. Up until now, that was sort of like saying that it’s more fun to be beaten with an aluminum pole than with a steel one infested with tiny, venomous beetles. But with a story written by Dan Akyroyd and Harold Ramis, the men behind Ghostbusters and Ghostbusters II, and the voice talents of Ernie Hudson, Annie Potts and wisecracker Bill Murray, Ghostbusters The Video Game will be sucking away your free time for days to come.


Its 1991, two years after Vigo the Carpathian tried to eat baby Oscar with a gooey bathtub and Lady Liberty took to the streets of New York via an NES joystick. The busters, now a city-funded operation like the police and the fire department, must track down the source of the newest surge in supernatural activity that’s crippling the Big Apple.You play as the new fifth Ghostbuster who’s supposed to represent the player, but it’s hard to feel a connection to a generic dude who communicates though frantic hand gestures and getting hit with debris. I’m sick of the silent protagonist shtick and I’m sure most people would have rather played as one of our four iconic heroes, but it’s a minor gripe: The guys come along with you every step of the way, although Winston shows up late to the party yet again. At least he made it this time – remember how Sega ditched him completely in the fun-but-flawed Genesis title?

As one would expect from seasoned comedians, the dialogue and voice acting is top notch. The script is oozing with nods to the films and the guys spout one-liners like a broken fire hydrant. Of course, Peter is as sarcastic as ever, and even item descriptions have a comedic kick. If the game itself becomes boring, the humor and the storyline will keep players engrossed until the game’s conclusion.

The graphics are excellent. The environments are crisp and detailed and the ghosts are slimy and disgusting. The character models share the likenesses of their on-screen counterparts, but after 25 years with the film, the gang looks a little weird with polygonal skin.



Perhaps the game’s greatest accomplishment is that it the player truly feel like he or she is a Ghostbuster. Fighting and incarcerating spirits a lot like wrangling cattle or tying to stop a child from running into a toy store: One must be patient, and at first, it’s more difficult than trying to push smoke into a bottle with a baseball bat. But within a half hour, the player has a good grip on the action, though the default control scheme leaves a bit to be desired in the weapons department. Movement is done via the two control sticks and can sometimes be a little chunky, but it’s nothing that can’t be forgiven, or a least ignored.

The action can be tense like Silent Hill as the player tracks down spirits with his or her PKE meter, or it can be frantic with waves of ghosts descending with reckless abandon. Both styles keep the player entertained on their toes.
The multiplayer is fun with teams of up to four taking on different tasks together, such as busting bunches of ghosts or protecting valuable artifacts from ethereal assailants. The team aspect helps players bond, but the action gets stale quickly. The story mode is where Ghostbusters The Video Game really shines.

Unfortunately, recycled elements from the Ghostbusters mythos give this title a “been there, busted that” feeling, knocking it down a notch. It’s a catch 22: It would have been downright sinful to make a Ghostbusters game without Slimer trashing a hotel and Staypuffed stomping through NYC, but it’s sometimes tough to accept Ghostbusters The Video Game as the sequel to the films like Aykroyd intended. Several parts of the game shamelessly play on two and a half decades of Ghostbusters nostalgia, but many players will eat it up with a silver spoon. The rest of us can’t help but smile and move on, hoping the rest of the game will be more of its own title than a shadow of things past.

That being said, Ghostbusters The Video Game stands up both as an entertaining extension to the Ghostbusters universe and a good video game experience. Existing fans and people new to the Ghostbusters mythos should take this one for a spin, because bustin’ really does make you feel good.

MGS4: A Stunning Story Offsets Deja Vu Gameplay

We've all been waiting for years for a true sequel to 2001's Metal Gear Solid 2; a game that will hopefully tie up some of the loose ends Sons of Liberty left us with. Who are the Patriots? How are they connected to Solid Snake? Will Raiden's girlfriend ever stop whining? Will Snake continue to sport his rockin' mullet?

Some of those questions are answered and some are left up in the air; however, none of that really matters, because I'm convinced that thanks to its storyline, Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots is already one of the most socially relevant games of the 21st century. Kojima's newest work paints a horrifying vision of humanity where perpetual war is the backbone of the world economy; a vision that comes uncomfortably close to current world events. Militia groups – soldiers for hire – now fight all of our wars. On the surface, it sounds great: Wars take place and citizens can rest easy, knowing only hired goons will be killed in action. However, when war is necessary for the economy to flourish, combat becomes commonplace, and it's not long before the lines between citizen and soldier are blurred. Behind all this is a familiar face or two, carrying on Big Boss's ideals and creating a world where soldiers will never be obsolete.

Outer Heaven lives once more.

Snake, now an old man thanks to his unstable clone DNA (and the FoxDie disease that was injected into him during the first game couldn't be helping much either), must infiltrate a remote Middle Eastern location to find and neutralize the cause of the resurrected Outer Heaven, but time is not on his side. His youth failing, the combat-weary “Old Snake” must fight one last time as an independent force, representing the closest thing to justice the world has seen for some time.

The graphics failed to impress me very much. Of course they're pretty good, with major attention paid to detail is in most of Kojima's works, but there's little about them that makes me want to stare in awe and drop my annoyingly-expensive yet sort-of-necessary Dualshock 3 controller. Everything looks as it should, with the Middle Eastern setting sufficiently “hot” looking and such, but I've come to expect more from both the PS3 and the hype surrounding MGS4. Then again, as any true gamer knows, graphics do not make a game entertaining; gameplay does.

And gameplay is an area where MGS4 certainly delivers. With wide open environments thrown into the mix with the standard enclosed environments MGS fans have come to expect from the series, the newest Metal Gear Solid title offers a welcome change of pace from earlier titles, playing like a mixture of Snake Eater and the aforementioned Sons of Liberty. With lead swapped between non player characters almost constantly and bombs flying feely through the air, confusion reigns supreme on the battlefield. Thanks to this mechanic, the player's tension levels reach an all-time high in the series, however, there's an in-game map to tell you what direction to go to reach your next objective. In this way things are a lot more liner than previous titles. Also, sneaking is even more imperative in these situations, forcing the player to really think about the route they're going or face the swift, deadly consequences.

The controls are much like the other Metal Gear Solid games, meaning that there're slightly confusing and unintuitive, but responsive overall and effective in the right hands.The sound is good too. Bullets whiz past the player in excellent stereo sound, going from one speaker to the other as they pass you by. The music is on target for the series, popping up at appropriate times and sufficiently suspenseful, but the omission of the main theme of the series made popular by the intro movie of the Sons of Liberty is a bit disappointing.

Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots is not going to win over gamers who hated the other entries into the series, but it will please fans. The storyline is the main draw here, giving intellectual types hours of ammo for their late night thinking sessions. Those of us less inclined to question the world around us will still enjoy the game for the fun gunplay, the atmospheric sound and the nice graphics, but I wonder if these aren't the same people who would most benefit from Kojima's message. Metal Gear Solid 4 is a solid purchase for fans, action gamers, and those who want to wrap their heads around some veiled political commentary – and it just might mark the turnaround point for Sony's ailing PS3. Give it a whirl and salute the final appearance of one of gaming's greatest heroes.

Score: 8 out of 10


INFORMATION ON THE LIMITED EDITON OF MGS4:

The special edition of Metal Gear Solid 4 is a Gamestop/EB games exclusive, and if you didn’t preorder it, you might be out of luck. It contains the game itself (duh), a soundtrack CD and a Blu-ray featuring two hours of additional content, including a making-of documentary. The release comes in a handsome, sturdy box, unlike the special edition of Devil May Cry 4 a few months back that crammed all the content into a cheap plastic sleeve (with a decent metal box under everything to be fair).

Without going into spoiler territory, the documentary is a nice outing for fans who want to know more about the project and the man himself, Hideo Kojima. However, chances are if you don’t know who Hideo Kojima is, you won’t get much use out of the extras that come with special edition. The included soundtrack is nice, if only for completeness’s sake, but it’s nothing one can’t live without – especially if one is a casual player who’s just looking for some quick espionage fun.

You really have to be dedicated to Metal Gear Solid as a series to appreciate the extras in the special edition box set. With no new game content, there’s little for the causal player to appreciate, and watching the documentary will become a chore for the player in this case.

The special edition of Metal Gear Solid 4 is a treasure trove of fun for fans, but an unnecessary expense for all others. Collectors, this box will look awesome on your wall, proudly displayed next to the other titles in the series; so buy with abandon! Everyone else, however, should be satisfied with the normal release.