An Underwhelming E3

Despite the best intentions of my plump, juicy (and likely very tasty) brain, my pathetic body slumbered blissfully through Nintendo's E3 presentation yesterday, in which Reggie Fils-aime apparently announced a lot of cool stuff, like the same Zelda game Nintendo promised us at last year's E3 and a Kid Icarus title that's been in the works for quite awhile. Also, there was something about affixing random letters to the end of the already stupid Wii name and calling it a different console - the Wii U, which sounds like a frighteningly surreal college where small children go to become more proficient at Wii Sports. However, I'm a biased, bitter old man with a cane fashioned from the microchips of thousands of copies of Super Mario/Duckhunt, so I promise to withhold my ire until further information on Nintendo's next gen box is available.

What really excited me was the announcement of Super Mario 3D for the 3DS, which appears to have ripped a page from Mario 3's book by bringing back the beloved Tanooki suit. I'm sure it won't recapture the magic of Mario's NES days, but I'm still going to keep an eye on it. After all, a pale but well-intentioned imitation of a beloved classic is better than another insipid Pokemon title.

IT HAS A TAIL

I also missed Sony's pitch, but I assume it was just an hour and a half of high-level businessmen apologizing over the recent PSN outage and committing sepukuu, then a man dressed as Cole MacGrath from inFAMOUS nervously explaining how Sony's new security features will add hours of fun to your PlayStation Home trolling experience.

Thankfully-ish, my brain was able to jolt my body awake in time for the Xbox 360 presentation, which consisted of approximately 4000 first person shooters - all sequels - another Tomb Raider game that didn't look too bad, and the fact that now you can be much more lazy when purchasing content on the Xbox Marketplace by just screaming out what you want to buy instead of using the wireless controller to navigate menus. If my neighbors don't think that I'm crazy at this point, my early morning shouts of "Xbox! Show me Transformers cartoons NOW!" should confirm their worst fears.

Halo 4 or whatever; yawn.

Microsoft's showing show presented me with a conundrum: How could I have been mind shatteringly disinterested in a show completely devoted to my favorite pass time?

The most important thing this year's E3 taught me is that no matter how disillusioned I become with Nintendo, I'd still rather hang with them than wade through the uninspired shooter wasteland that is the Xbox 360.

Nintendo vs. The Necktie Bunny

Grad school is supposed to be about shattering your perceptions of learning and intelligence, pushing your personal and academic limits and achieving more than you ever thought possible. For me it was like that, I guess, but it was also about sneaking video games into the equation whenever I could. I'm not talking about playing a few levels of Duke Nukem 3D or Street Fighter 4 before bed or even a few rounds of Tetris in between classes; I'm talking about fusing gaming and academics. If you've seen my "Learning Game" posts in this blog, you know that I was able to reach that goal - if I do say so myself - by doing research and citing valid sources like educational theorist James Gee.

And then there was the How-To assignment I received one afternoon for my Teaching with Technology class. I was supposed to explain how to do something using only pictures - no words of any kind except on the title card and the end card of the PowerPoint presentation. I grabbed my camera and whipped up this little number called "Setting Up a Nintendo Game."



The song playing in the background is "Super Mario Bros. Gypsy Jazz"  by Adrian Holovaty. You need to download it from ocremix.org as soon as possible.

The original version of this project began with me turning on a Wii, making an annoyed face, thinking for a moment and then smiling and reaching for an NES controller. Then it continued almost exactly as in the above video. I was implying that the Wii is boring and 8-bit Nintendo is more fun, or possibly that the Wii is too complicated so I went for something less difficult.

When they saw it, the entire class (all graduate students with GPAs of 3.0 or higher) had no idea why I started the project like that. They also had no clue why I would take the old cartridge out of the system before putting a new one in, but that's not important right now.

The project they all liked better was "How to Tie a Necktie." It was five frames of a guy tying a necktie onto a statue, but every frame had the same cartoon rabbit photoshopped into the picture. My classmates commented that the author must be a computer genius to grace us with such photo-wizardry. I smiled and slowly grinded my teeth into a fine powder.

Yes, it was almost a year ago. Yes, it's petty of me to make an entire blog post about an incident that has no bearing on the quality of my life. And yes, I'm still ticked off about it.

Necktie Bunny, if I ever find you hanging around my tie rack, I'm going to smite you so hard with Nintendo cartridges that you'll wish you were never copied and pasted into existence five times over.

I just don't get it.

Silent Hill Sunday #1: Next Stop, the Nightmare Town

You wake up sweating and disoriented. Sitting up, your gaze darts wildly about the surrounding area. Then, your heart beat lessens, the terror leaves you, and you let out a sigh of relief. There you are, in your own bed. The only remnants of your nightmare are the now-cold puddle of sweat you’re sitting in, foggy memories of an unpleasant being, and a vague feeling of unease. By the time you’re in the bathroom, brushing your teeth, your mind is already on something else. For you, the nightmare is over.

Now try to imagine a world where the nightmare is never over; a world of constant fear, where you’re already awake, and dying is the only release. Yet, even death may not bring the relief you seek, for what awaits you afterwards may be even worse. This is the curse of Silent Hill.

Since the original title on the PlayStation was unleashed on the unsuspecting gaming public, the Silent Hill series has been terrifying players around the world for more than a decade. After the first two critically acclaimed games and a respectable third entry into the series, Konami’s outings into the nightmare town became increasingly stale and formulaic, despite new gameplay elements introduced to each successive title. While Silent Hill games once required an overdose of tranquilizers and a good therapist to complete, entries like Silent Hill Origins, the sixth game in the main series, inspired as much terror a typical Syfy channel flick on a Saturday afternoon.

However, the recent Silent Hill: Shattered Memories on the Wii shook up the series’ gameplay by removing combat entirely and adding motion controls. Many players think this was the kick in the pants the series needed to revive an ailing franchise. The eighth Silent Hill game is due out in 2011, for Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3.

Regardless of the quality of the gameplay in later entries, the soundtrack for each of the seven games in the series is varied and creepy, incorporating the tag team of Japanese composer Akira Yamoaka and, from the third game on, American singer Mary Elizabeth McGlynn. Yamoaka reportedly will not be producing the music for the next Silent Hill game; taking over the reigns will be Daniel Licht, the music composer for Showtime’s Dexter.

In celebration of a series that took survival horror to such terrifying highs and drab lows, allow me to introduce Silent Hill Sundays here at Wordsmith VG. At least two Sundays a month, I’ll write about a different aspect of the Silent Hill series, from reviews to theories to little-known SH tidbits.

Coming up next: “Have you seen a little girl? Short, black hair. She just turned seven.”

Top Five: Video Game Soundtracks You Should Never Listen to While Driving

There are plenty of things you should never do while driving, like using a cell phone, drinking alcohol, shaving, reading the newspaper, eating sloppy joes and listening to political talk shows that are likely to give you road rage. But did you ever consider that the music you listen to in your car could affect your performance as a motorist? Judging by the charred wrecks littering my lawn and the unpaid tickets that taunt me everyday, the right tunes could mean the difference between driving like a kind, nice car champ and a blind, NASCAR chump. Do yourself and everyone else a favor and never hit the road while listening to the following game soundtracks. As my father is fond of telling me, the life you save may be your own. Or more importantly, mine.


Ridge Racer – PlayStation

There are plenty of racing titles I could have put here, but I chose Ridge Racer because every song in the game has been clinically proven to increase adrenaline, disable speed related inhibitions, and cause the listener to mash his or her right foot into the ground as hard as humanly possible. When played in your car stereo, the Ridge Racer soundtrack makes you feel as if your hair has burst into flames, but its okay because you know how to put it out: All you have to do is roll down all of your windows and break the sound barrier with that NASA surplus rocket engine you strapped to the roof of your car. Cops hate speeders, if you’ve got Ridge Racer in your CD player, chances are they’ll never catch up with you to give you the ticket.

Listen to "Rare Hero" from Ridge Racer
Listen to "Ridge Racer" from Ridge Racer


Mother 1 + 2 (Earthbound and Earthbound Zero) – GameBoy Advance

The original Mother game – known in some circles as “Earthbound Zero” – bore the tagline “No crying until the end.” This game and its sequel both live up to that promise, with endings that will make you ball up into the fetal position and weep like a jellyfish-stung baby while simultaneously smiling you rear off, just to spite yourself. Considering the emotional baggage these games heap upon the unsuspecting player, not even the surliest of pirates would be able to keep from bawling with the likes of “Eight Melodies” or Mother 2’s ending theme pouring from their speakers. It’s very, very difficult to explain to a police officer that you drove into the car in front of you because you couldn’t see though the tears. It’s even harder to explain that you were crying because a ragtag group of robot teens thwarted a demonic space alien by praying at it thousands of years ago in your living room.

Listen to "Eight Melodies" from Mother 1+2


Silent Hill series – Multi platform

Anyone who’s ever played a game in Konami’s Silent Hill franchise knows that it was designed to twist unsuspecting gamers into spastic madmen, no longer able to handle all but the most kid-friendly titles. Silent Hill was originally just a way for Konami to sell more copies of Dance Dance Revolution to traumatized players looking for reintegration into gaming society, but some people actually like writhing in psychological agony, so they ran with it.

All official Silent Hill soundtracks lull the listener into a false sense of security by putting an awesome rock or pop song first, then slowly moving into more atmospheric and creepy tracks. Before your know it, you’re listing to the sonic equivalent of 1,000 Satans tying you to a vomit-stained torture rack in an abandoned mental hospital and sawing off your limbs with rusty sporks and shards of broken funhouse mirrors, all while cramming flaming bat guano down your throat. The dangers of listening to a Silent Hill soundtrack while driving include an increased heart rate, intense feelings of paranoia, and wetting the rich, Corinthian leather of your driver’s seat. If you’re foolish enough to listen to Silent Hill tunes at night while on a lonely back road, there’s at least a 3000 percent chance that you’ll wind up crawling out of your overturned vehicle and bolting into the night, screaming like a child wearing underpants made of wasps.

Listen to "Until Death" from Silent Hill

Listen to "Angel's Scream" from Silent Hill: Shattered Memories


Superman 64 – Nintendo 64
 

Everyone knows that Superman 64 is an abomination unto the Lord and no one should ever play it. This includes the equally horrendous soundtrack. Listening to the tunes from Superman 64 in your car won’t cause you to drive at warp speed or crash into anything, but it will make for a pretty crappy ride to work. When given the option, listen to the news instead: It’s just as aggravating and depressing, but at least you’ll learn something other than the fact that Superman 64’s soundtrack converts disappointment into music at a one to one ratio.

Listen to some music from Superman 64


Mortal Kombat: The Album – Inspired by the arcade game

If you’ve never heard of this gem, then you wouldn’t know that someone through it would be great to convert the bestselling Mortal Kombat arcade game into a poorly received technopop jam fest. In addition to a song based on every MK1 character – except for mildly offensive Asian stereotype Shang Tsung and mysterious palette swap Reptile – there’s also two versions of the infamous Mortal Kombat theme song. So why shouldn’t you listen to this pseudo-game soundtrack while crusing for chicks (or dudes, whatever) in your sweet ride? One word: Kano.

When I purchased this album about 15 years ago, listening to Kano’s theme song, “Use Your Might,” inspired me to create my own Mortal Kombat spin-off game called “Kano’s Go-Kart.” Here’s how I envision the intro movie:

After loading up the game, the screen remains black. Out of nowhere, the player is aurally assaulted with “Use Your Might” from Mortal Kombat: The Album. There’s a series of jaw-shattering orchestra hits.

The garage door of his suburban home slowly slides open, revealing Kano with his hands on his hips, wearing his white MK1 uniform. To his left is a go-kart, a tiny, homemade vehicle with just enough space for an adult rider to sit in the seat and steer, albeit with his knees up his nose. The morning sun shines upon Kano and his marvelous machine.

MK1 Announcer: KANO WINS!

Kano hops into his go-kart, and with his knees in the air, speeds down his driveway at a blazing 13 miles per hour. The orchestra hits continue, accompanied by an aggressive drumbeat and a face-pounding bassline.

The wind whips over his half-metal face and through his hair. Kano speeds over the stop sign at the end of the street, reducing it to thousands of twisted metal shards. The deer that had been grazing in the nearby alcove gallop away in terror. Suddenly, Kano’s go-kart screeches to a stop. He gazes onto the unmolested expanse of a suburban Saturday morning.

A female singer, who is probably hot, chimes in: Use your might, Kano fight! The world is at your feet. Fight! Use your might! I’m on your side!

Kano cracks a feral smile and revs up his kart, blasting towards the now-endangered livelihoods of the unsuspecting residents. End intro video; cue title screen.

The object of Kano’s Go-Kart is to destroy as much of suburbia as you can. This includes running over dogs and rabbits, plowing through lawns and gardens, and chasing small children up the stairs of their homes before shredding all of their toys with your kart. There are three power ups: a spinning knife that increases your kart’s maximum speed from 13 to 16 miles per hour, a dragon icon that changes Kano into his MK3 uniform for a limited time, and a grain of rice hidden somewhere in the grass that awards the player a single point upon pickup.

If I listened to Mortal Kombat: The Album in my car, I’d be highly inspired go on a Kano-like rampage, destroying my neighbor’s light posts, mincing garden gnomes, and collecting mailboxes with my windshield. And now you would too, because I guarantee that after reading this article, you’ll think of nothing but Kano’s Go-Kart whenever you hear MK: The Album. I’m sorry that I just ruined any possibility of you ever listening to one of the best/worst video game based albums of all time while driving, but learning about Kano’s Go-Kart is a worthy tradeoff. Well, at least it was for me.

Listen to "Kano (Use Your Might)" from Mortal Kombat: The Album

Drive safely!