Racism: It’s What’s for Halloween (Whomp 'Em for NES)

Halloween stash time! Let’s see here: a Heath bar, Tootsie Rolls, some of that God awful Now & Later stuff, a rock, O.J., purple stuff…

…and a copy of Whomp ‘Em.

Whomp ‘Em, an NES game by Jaleco – the company that would later lash out at the LGBT community with Rivial Turf! – bears perhaps the most faceplam-worthy name since the Nintendo DS game, Homie Rollerz. Playing it nearly 20 years after its release, one realizes that Whomp ‘Em is a shining example of how it was not only okay to be racist in the ‘80s and early '90s, but it was considered super cool.

The title screen.

Well, I already don't wanna play this garbage.

DEADLY hopping mushroom attack!

Wait a minute. Beyond all expectations, this game is actually kind of fun!

The player takes control of what appears to be the “average” boy as he spears his way through seven or eight levels of weirdness. After making it past the hopping mushrooms, flying boogers and giant, rolling eyeballs of the first level, the player is presented with a Mega Man-esque level selection screen, with six stages based on the elements, which in this game, is the least racist part. The elements include fire, water, ice and uh, magic. Also “sacred.”

Okay, so they’re not all based on elements. So sue me. I guess for maximum cliché/racism, Jaleco had to add words like “ritual” to the game somewhere.

His fight money!

Whenever the player completes a level, he or she receives a new weapon, just like in Mega Man. Sometimes it’s easy to forget that you’re NOT playing as the Blue Bomber and you began to wonder when Capcom got so racist. The answer there is “Whenever Capcom came up with Balrog.” But then you remember: This isn’t Mega Man, it’s, uh, Whomp ‘Em boy!

The controls are pretty good, the graphics are well done for the time, the controls are tight and the music is a treat. If the game had just been called “Mega Man Clone #478” and starred a drunken, walking pencil or some kind of cute animal mascot, I wouldn’t feel nearly as horrible for playing it.

Apparently, this is what magic forests look like.

Fun Fact: Remember the TV show Video Power? For its first season, it was a cartoon. But then in 1991 it morphed into a gaming game show. The winner was allowed to run through a video game gauntlet, sticking games to his or her Velcro-covered chest. Everyone who ran through wound up with AT LEAST five copies of Whomp ‘Em. And sometimes they gave away copies of Whomp ‘Em as consolation prizes or to members of the audience. It’s like Jaleco drove a dump truck up to the Queens studio where Video Power was taped and poured every unsold copy of Whomp ‘Em right on host Johnny Arcade’s head, kind of like what Atari did with E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial in that New Mexico landfill.

Actually, being dumped on Video Power contestants is just as bad as being dumped in a New Mexico landfill, now that I think about it.

Halloween Games Round-Up Vol. 2 and a Sad, Sad Confession

Dear Wordsmith VG readership,

I have a confession to make: In less than one week, I will be 28 years old. Tonight, I am dressing as a ninja and totally going Trick-or-Treating. Not with a small child. By myself. I am approximately the height of a hobbit, so no one will suspect a thing.

DO NOT DISHONOR YOUR FUTURE TEACHER WITH
YOUR PATHETIC OFFERING OF SMARTIES.

If you see this Trick-or-Treater at your door, give him LOTS of candy, or he’ll fail your child in English class when he finds a teaching job.

Love,
Matt

Castlevania II: Simon’s Quest (NES): What game gives you the option of carrying around hearts, eyeballs, finger nails, and other morbidly awesome body parts of Count Dracula? The answer: Only Castlevania II! Aside from being one of the best action games available on the NES, it also spawned the immortal phrase, “What a horrible night to have a curse.” Play this game. NOW. I command it!

From the manual. Note the puntastic descriptions.

A Nightmare on Elm Street (NES): The movie series has had its ups and downs, but as a whole, it’s a lot of fun. Nothing beats Johnny Depp being eaten by a demon bed, Freddy bleeding something that looks a lot like Mountain Dew, livestock running around in Freddy’s basement, and Heather’s suspiciously orange skinned mother - and that’s just in the first movie.

This is the red teen. There is also a blue one.

The NES game, however, leaves a bit to be desired. The player takes control of one of four teenage boys, each dressed in one of the primary colors. Their job is to enter houses in random order and possibly fight Freddy, or possibly fall down a hole repeatedly. According to an old issue of Nintendo Power, you were supposed to be able to play as Freddy himself in this game. Needless to say, millions of children have been disappointed ever since.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre (Atari 2600): The original movie is pretty entertaining and a good choice for a Halloween night movie. Steer clear of the sequels, though: The only thing scary about them is how hard they make you want to vomit for spending your money on them.

FATALITY! Yeah, that's a toy truck in the background.

The Atari 2600 title of the same name is pretty badass, in the fact that the player is given the opportunity not to play as a hero, but as Leatherface himself. The object of the game is to slice off as many little girl heads as you can wrap your chainsaw around. Taking into mind this fact alone, Texas Chainsaw Massacre is probably the best movie to game adaptation EVER.

'Cause I'm too lazy for a screen shot.

Vampire Hunter D (PlayStation 1): I guess this PS1 game is okay – it's a generic 1998 3D action title – but really, you should be watching the movie instead. The animated cult classic features a dark hero with a talking hand that eats dirt, an agile but wardrobe impaired heroine, and Dracula exploding someone’s head. Nothing rocks harder than Dracula exploding someone’s head, and as such, it occurs only once in this movie. (This, for those keeping score, is exactly one more time than every other movie ever.) It’s a lot like Titanic, only with Dracula and lots of killing. Fun for the whole family over 18.

This is the scariest picture I could find to end this article. GET OFF MY LAWN YOU DAMN KIDS!

Halloween Games Round-Up; Also a Fake Curse

Ahh! ...those teeth are HORRIBLE.

It's almost Halloween again, Charlie Brown!

Instead of dressing up like Gandhi and egging your neighbor’s tool shed or getting intoxicated at some lame party this All Hallow's Eve, why not do something worthwhile and lock yourself in your room with the following Halloweenful video games. Each is guaranteed to chill you to your very soul! Bwa, ha, ha! Or at least they'll be about vampires or something, which is more than I can say about most local bars.

Also, the picture above, known as "smile.jpg" or "smile.dog," carries a horrible curse that's suspiciously like the plot of The Ring, only much scarier because it doesn't involve some ugly little girl who hangs out in wells/TV sets and really needs to brush her teeth. Supposedly, anyone who sees Smile.dog goes CA-RAZY AND DIES or something! I'm already crazy, and thus, am immune. Enjoy your insanity; it'll enhance your gaming experience.

Anyway, let the games begin!

Halloween (Atari 2600): I know what you’re thinking, but despite the title, this game is NOT about Easter. No, it’s about maniac killing machine Michael Myers. For some reason, Michael is very angry at the local teen baby sitter population, and he proceeds to off them one by one in creative, frightening ways. This Atari 2600 classic has the player - Laurie Strode, the main character from the film - hiding children in various spots and trying to outwit her crazed brother. It never ends well for the player, and for an Atari title, Halloween can be pretty intense.

If you can't tell what's going on here, maybe you shouldn't bother with the game.

Silent Hill (PlayStation 1 and PS3): The original Silent Hill is the most genuinely frightening media experience of my life. The Exorcist hangs its head in shame compared to the first Silent Hill. Silent Hill 2 isn’t as scary, but the story line is so deep and creepy, you’ll find yourself lying awake in bed trying to analyzing it. See also - Silent Hill: Shattered Memories and a good therapist after playing.

That there was a dog; this one ain't smiling.

Resident Evil Remake (GameCube): The original version of this game came out for PS1, Saturn, PC, Nintendo DS, cell phones, toasters, etc. With upgraded graphics, new locations and crazy sprinting “crimson head” zombies, the REmake is hands down the best RE title to use the old survival horror controls and conventions. Other good ones to play are Resident Evil 2 for PS1, Dreamcast, etc. and Resident Evil: Code Veronica for Dreamcast and PS2. Fleeing in terror from swarms of slow-moving zombies to conserve your single BB gun bullet has never been so much fun.

It appears to be made of shredded cheese.

Later incarnations of the series feature more action and less horror, which worked out just fine - unless you're talking about scary games.

Friday the 13th (NES): You might remember that I talked about this gem before, but it bears repeating: This original Nintendo game is actually scarier than the movies. For one thing, the music freaks you out and random Jason encounters leave you paranoid; you’re always terrified that he’ll jump out at you in the woods and kill your character. The other reason F13 so scary is that it’s one of the worst games ever made. It’s frustrating, ugly, and boring. And yet, I love it. Go figure.

That's you, in the purple, vs. Jason... also in purple.

Blood (PC): Blood is what Duke Nukem 3D would have been if  the guys at 3D Realms were really, really into slasher flicks. In fact, it shares its game engine with good ol' Duke, and despite its mushy controls, Blood is a great example of an early first person shooter done right. Time and cash limitations prevented me from finishing this one when I was a kid, but one day I'll tackle the whole game... maybe THIS HALLOWEEN.


Take THAT, random zombie!

Costume Quest (PS3): This game was recently released via PlayStation Network, and despite the fact that it was made by THQ, it's actually pretty fun. When the main character's sibling is kidnapped by mentally deficient zombies, it's up to you to save them! Each costume the player obtains has its own special ability to utilize in Costume Quest's RPG battles, which are reminiscent of Xenogears for the PS1, only I don't want to hurt myself after playing THQ's humorous take on Halloween gaming. Do yourself a favor and download the demo.

Yep, it's Costume Quest.

After hearing about all these choice games, if you’re still thinking about going to some lame party and getting drunk this Halloween, consider this: Waking up next to one of these titles the following morning does not require you to awkwardly ask for its phone number.

And for those of you worried about that "curse" I put on your earlier, don't sweat it. That picture has been proven to be Photoshopped; just look at the dog's mouth and you'll see the same few teeth copied and pasted three times. Last time I checked, demons didn't know how to use photo editing software. So it's not like there's a real curse or anything; it's just a bunch of pixels. Here, look again. Same as before:

Ahh! ...Those teeth are still horrible!

See? Nothing evil about it. In f̡̜̳͖̲͇̗̩a͍͉̹̣͂ͅͅc̞̄͌tͯit's a ͙̹͝f͛͆ͨ̔ͥ̇̚a͍̮̪̬̯̱ͮ͌̓ͭͦ͛ͬl͕͑͐̌͒ͩ̍l͙̱͚̝ͬḁ͎̹ͮc̯͚̪y͖̱̦̙̟̺͕̽̐̈́̀:


Quite ͍̩̱͙̟͓p͚̔ͭ͐͗ͣ̚̚͞l̛͇̼ͬͯ̌a̼̕ỉ̞͙̖̌ͬ͑ͩ͛̄ͅn͓͔͕͇͕ͣͬͪͅl̵͉͈̹ͪͯ̅ͭ͂̌̋y̗̻͊ I̺̹͐̍͐̈,̘͓̤̺̹͒̔ͦͣ͜ ͙̖̙̳̰̼̫͛͌̐̌̇f͙͚̤ͫͭ͛͂̄o̯̜͍͍ͦ̏͢r̖̩͑ͪͤ ̞̣̞̲͈͖͒̆̏ͬ̓͜o̰̝̯͍̪̹̤̐̔n̠̜̣̫̗̏̒͒͌͐ẽ͚͔̘̜̥̊ͬͥ̐͂̈,͙͙͈͝ ̃̿̃ͥ̇̇͏̙̦͇̝͍w̥̟͕̫ͨ̊́̕ͅȍ̲̗̪̤̬ͣ̆ͤu̹̠̳̟̓l͚ͫ̑̽ͬ͗ͥ̓d͕̙̝͓̪͉͉ͭͬ̍ͣ̚ ̤̠̰̖̼͍͒͜l̗̼͕̯͍̋i̗̝̘̔̂͛ͨ͞k͊͏͇̜̝ͅe͠ t̥͛̈͊ͥͩ͐͠ö̦͉͉̲͕́̊̃ ̵̥͎͕̠̰̻̔ͦ̃h̶͓̖̙̙̺̝̖̠̾̈́̉͊̄̿̊͌u̮̤͛ͭ̇̆̓̓̎u̷̵̩̱̽ͫͬ̀u̷̳̓̐̉̇͒͘ủ̄̒͋́̅҉̧͚̝̖̤̖͎̬͙ͅų̸̞͈̼̳̥̻̄ͨ̽̋̈͘u̗̰̠̬̮̣̮͒̿̓̒̒̔̌ͤͅu̴̺̖̖̳͆̉̔ͤ̓̌̂u̷̢͉̠̗̲̜̬̱ͯ̏̇̆͒́̄̚͟ư͇͚̤̾̕͞u͖̯͈͚̺͚̠ͤ̋̈́͡ų͛ͣ̔͆҉͔̲u͍̤ͣṳ̧̱̲̜̮̄̑̌̒ͨ͘u̥͍͔͇̝̮ͦ̂̋ͩͪ̀ͅͅu̗͇ͬ̍ͤ̕ůͯ̐̓̐͋́͞ͅuͤ̍ͪͧ͏̭͍̪̤͔͍͓͚̀

Potentially Frightening Halloween Games: Hysteria Project

It’s been a long time since Sega took on the Nintendo juggernaut and, for a fleeting while, was beating the Home of The Plumbers at its own game. However, it wasn’t enough for Sega to simply win; they wanted to obliterate the Big N and capture the love and money of the gaming masses. But greed and hubris often lead to bad decisions, and the Sega of the mid-‘90s was chockfull of them.

The poor judgments and marketing missteps all began with something that had boundless potential when it was first released to American audiences in October of 1992: The Sega CD, also known as the Mega CD in Europe and Japan. Instead of crafting expanded worlds or delivering fresh, exciting experiences to hungry gamers, Sega focused on “full motion video” games, which were supposed to be like playing a movie; yet they were little more than exercises in timed button presses and choosing an action at random, then watching the results play out in grainy, postage-stamp sized video.

The FMV “craze” petered out nearly as quickly as it started, but producers like Digital Pictures – with plenty of games still in the pipeline – kept shoveling more FMV titles on an already saturated market. Sega CD became typecast as an FMV machine and died a slow death, breathing its last in early 1996 and virtually taking the FMV genre with it.

This... looks frighteningly like an FMV game title screen.

I say “virtually” because earlier this year, Sanuk Games unleashed the PSN and iPod/iPhone title Hysteria Project, giving longtime gamers flashbacks to how those tear stains appeared on the manuals of so many of their Sega CDs. Apparently the men and women of Sanuk Games have never heard of FMV clunkers like Ground Zero Texas, Supreme Warrior, and the granddaddy of them all, Night Trap, as evidenced by their description of the game: “Recommended for fans of new experiences and thrill-seekers.”

If by “new experiences” they mean the same repetitive, frustrating dreck I pumped hundreds of hours into through middle school and even high school when I was feeling an odd combination of nostalgia and masochism, then yes, Hysteria Project is a new experience.

Despite what this looks like, I didn't drop my camera in the woods and accidentally take a picture.
This is an actual Hysteria Project screen shot.

Your character begins in someone’s shed, inconveniently built in a desolate forest about 90 miles from his home. Our nameless flannel-wearing hero, who I’ve dubbed “Untitled,” has been bound at the hands and feet with duct tape by a man in a black hoodie who is never without an axe; I guess he must be a lumberjack or something. Then the pixilated video stops playing for a moment, giving you a Choose Your Own Adventure style set of options: Either try to remove the tape or look around the cabin. Once you make your choice, a few more seconds of YouTube-quality video show the outcome.

"If you think Untitled should search the pile of leaves, turn to page 72."

Eventually, Untitled escapes from the shed and right into unused footage from The Blair Witch Project. Like Jason Voorhees, The Lumberjack can teleport at will and is always behind or in front of Untitled, causing him to shake his camera like a freshman video student. You’ll spend the majority of your time prancing about the woods, avoiding The Lumberjack because he has a habit of mistaking you for firewood. If Untitled does something stupid and gets himself whacked, you can retry as many times as you need – at the cost of overdosing on the movie clip that comes right before where you lost. Sometimes you’ll be required to make a few timed button presses, just like the 1994 Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers game on Sega CD. It is a thrilling new experience.

Disembodied hands = 80 percent of Hysteria Project.

And that’s the entire game. I literally finished it in less than half an hour, which makes the beginning screen that warns players to take a break after every hour of play kind of unnecessary. Considering Hysteria Project is labeled as a “PlayStation Mini” on PSN and cost me a grand total of $2.15 after tax, I wasn’t really expecting an epic along the lines of Final Fantasy XII, Dragon Warrior VII or David Robinson’s Supreme Court. But what’s inexcusable is that the game ends smack-dab in the middle of the action with a “to be continued” substituted for actually gameplay. There’s no indication anywhere in the description that what I purchased is not a full game or is episodic in nature.

I liked this game better when it was called Wirehead. At least there was a touch of primitive humor and a boatload of variety. Wiredhead begins in a house and can wind up with the main character skateboarding down a rural main street, hopping on an airplane, or even wrestling a grizzly bear. It sucked, but it sucked with a few ounces of charm.

It wouldn’t be fair of me to rake Hysteria Project over the blazing hot coals of gaming ire without pointing out that it features some appropriately atmospheric music and a genuine-if-mild sense of dread for the first two minutes of Untitled’s mad dash to freedom. Ironically, the game’s bite-sized scares can be attributed to the fact that it’s an FMV game and, therefore, the player has almost no control over the action. Just like in a Michael Myers flick, all you can do is watch helplessly as the guy on screen gets stalked and slaughtered. But unlike the movies, in Hysteria Project, you’re the one to blame. (Although I could go into a tirade about how movies wouldn’t exist if there was no one paying to see them – supply and demand and all the jazz – so it sort of is the viewer’s fault in a way. But that’s for another day.)

I'm waiting for Untitled to turn the camera on himself and start talking about how he's "so scared."

When I’m making a sale at AMERICA’S NUMBER ONE ELECTRONICS DEALER, Best Buy®, instead of a boring job like teaching English to students in 7th to 12th grade or reporting on local theater, I always like to throw in the fact that I’m not getting commission. It helps to gain a customer’s TRUST. By that token, I think now’s a good time to tell you that I love the Sega CD console, even the crappy FMV games. But that’s only because it was a snapshot of a burgeoning industry and a monument to Sega’s overconfidence and laziness at that time. Playing an FMV title on anything but my trusty/rusty Sega CD is kind of like a Nightmare on Elm Street movie starring Richard Simmons; no one goes to see a Nightmare flick for anything but the Bastard Child of a Thousand Maniacs himself, Mr. Krueger. Otherwise you get an empty experience that makes you yearn for the comfortable mediocrity you’ve come to expect.

"He's inside of me, Grady!"

In a way, one might trace Sega’s decade-plus long woes back to its reliance on FMV games. The Sega CD was the first in a long line of consoles that eroded customer confidence in Sonic the Hedgehog’s headquarters, and full motion video was a major culprit. While I hardly think that one cheap, downloadable FMV game will be enough to bankrupt Sanuk Games, I think the fact that Hysteria Project hasn’t seen its continuation in the six months since its release certainly doesn’t bode well. I can’t recommend this game as a must-play title, but with a price tag of $2, there’s not much to lose if you find that you’d rather be playing strip Uno with your card-counting cheater of a cousin than even thinking of Hysteria Project. The curious should download it, but know that you’re much better off grabbing your FMV fix from Double Switch, Prize Fighter or any of the other 12 million Sega CD titles that are probably just as inexpensive at your local pawn shop.

Potentially Frightening Halloween Games: Monster Party (NES)

BRRR!

Grab your spiffiest ape costume, some big fat apples and a bag of delicious razorblades to hide inside them America, because the Great Pumpkin is almost upon us once more! ...no, not Samhain from The Real Ghostbusters. Uh, well, they are related, kind of. It's actually pronounced "Sawain" by the way. See, I'm talking about that Charlie Brown special where Linus stays out all night in the - PUT THAT STEEL PIPE DOWN; there are no ghosts on the way, damn it!

Never mind, you ruined it. It's going to be Halloween soon is what I was getting at. Thanks for screwing up my into.

Halloween is my third favorite holiday, right behind Christmas and Arbor Day, so you can imagine how excited I am to celebrate the season of splatterpunk horror flicks, inappropriate novelty costumes and cheap, extremely flammable decorations constructed with a mildly carcinogenic foam and the tears of thousands of third world children. While TV stations observe the holiday by playing The Exorcist 8,000 times in a row and children celebrate with their yearly costumed begging, I prefer to commemorate All Hallows Eve by digging out the most frightening video games from my collection, turning down the lights and taking on the undead hoards.

Also by drinking heavily.

It's like a normal frat party, only here, you have a slightly higher chance of death.

Monster Party, Bandai's forgotten NES offering circa 1989, is a deceptive and uneven title, both in its presentation and its challenge. You know you have a winner on your hands as the off-the-wall introduction presents itself before the first level. In my mind, this game's intro is tied with Blaster Master's as the shoddiest - and most beloved - Nintendo storyline of all time.

This is Mark, or as the manual calls him, MARK. He's apparently an eight-year-old Japanese baseball player living in America whose mother lets him hang out with his friends far past midnight. As he's walking home from one of his 3 a.m. games, clearly labeled with a giant "M" on his shirt so murderers and aliens will know who he is, he sees a star and simultaneously forgets the rules of proper grammar "While he stared at it."

The "beauty of the star" makes MARKS's eyes moist, a term generally reserved to describe delicious chocolate cake, but used here to imply that staring a bright lights might hurt one's eyes. As you all know, this is certainly not true.

Lo and behold, it's not a celestial body at all; it's a freakish purple birdman alien. His name: Bert, obviously.

"Evil monsters" have invaded Bert's world, and only an eight-year-old Japanese-American baseball player can help! MARK's pretty scared right now and I don't blame him. Just look at the horror (or indifference, whatever) written all over his face!

But thanks to his superior conversation skills (and the fact that he's a HUGE SHARP DEMON) Bert convinces MARK to go with him to another planet and risk his life by pointing out that MARK's got the only weapon capable of stopping the interstellar intruders: a three foot long slab of wood. Apparently, Bert's planet is either highly peaceful or just very behind in national pass times. Or both.

BEST LINE EVER.

You know, I'm starting to get the impression that Bert just doesn't care who he recruits to try to stop the "evil monsters." He kind of reminds me of a job I once applied to that was way too interested in hiring me. It turned out they were involved in the illegal soap trade and the cops cleaned them out not three days later.

Bert grabs MARK without his permission and flies STRAIGHT TO ANOTHER PLANET without the aid of things like oxygen, but it's okay because MARK's helmet-like hair protects him from burning up upon reentry. Along the way, MARK asks how Bert can help him take down the "evil monsters" and Bert screams, "Like this!" and they... "fuse" together. Then MARK is attacked relentlessly by the bird-beaked extraterrestrial, and OH THANK GOD Then MARK and Bert combine their power to become an unstoppable monster mashing machine!

Unfortunately, even after the transformation, Bert remains a very unintimidating shade of purple.

This is how MARK'S adventure began!

I just said that.

Everything starts out fine with MARK bashing enemies' faces in with his baseball bat. MARK can run, jump and crawl like a worm to escape his ememies' deadly attacks, and even knock back projectiles to the sender, producing a satisfying, Megaman-like explosion. Power pills allow MARK to fuse with Bert to become a nearly-unstoppable, winged monstrosity who shoots poisonous quills from his facial area and can fly past danger. The transformation lasts only a few seconds though, so you'd better intimidate as many space priests as possible during that time in order to steal their congregation's cash and purchase some unpurple clothes for your naked birdlike friend.

MARK even runs into a few bosses, like this giant plant reminiscent of Audry from Little Shop of Horrors. Fun fact: Originally, fake Audry was supposed to be singing karaoke, complete with a speaker and a microphone. For some reason, all the accompanying graphics were removed; only the now-pointless stage lights remain. The speaker is still present in the game, however: You can stand on the invisible platform to the right where it used to exist.


Feed me!

Remember how I mentioned that this game has an unbalanced presentation and challenge? Just look at this: Halfway though the level and things are fine. Even the blocks are smiling and nonthreatening. At this point, MARK's probably thinking he has it made; whack a few disembodied legs, collect a few hearts, kill a few overgrown, formerly karaoke star plants, and you're on you way home in time for the next midnight baseball game with all the other unsupervised third graders. But then the player makes the mistake of running past this seemingly innocent tree...

Oh, a giant tree. That doesn't look threatening. Let me keep going...

OH SWEET JESUS

Suddenly, all those happy blocks turn into bloody skulls, everything that was previously smiling now bears frowns and fangs, and giant eyeballs with tentacles and man-faced dogs join the cast of creatures MARK has to take down. This is when the player knows that he or she isn't playing the average 8-bit platformer. Isn't this supposed to be a kids' game? How did stuff like this get past the Nintendo censors, but a little bit of blood on a zombie's shirt was too extreme for the unreleased MOTHER 1 prototype?

And then there's this guy.

This boss has already bit the dust, so all MARK has to do is stand around and wait for a prize to appear. A minute later, a pumpkin ghost that looks a bit like Samhain (don't start whipping out pipes again please) beats you like Sham-Wow guy does his prostitutes. The incongruent challenge and schizophrenic theme make this one a hard game to peg, but once you get the hang of it, Monster Party is actually pretty fun. It's gotten a bad rap in the past for some reason, but truth be told, it's one of Bandai's best.

There's plenty more wicked wierdness to be found in Monster Party, including a group of Japanese cabaret  zombies who require the player to wait and watch their dance, a giant, skewered shrimp, a punk rocker who attacks with "bad playing music," and a bull who throws small cows at our sandlot savior, but 1.) I don't want to ruin it for you, and 2.) nothing is as messed up as the first level's transformation from harmless NES game to horrific wasteland.

Well, unless you count the ending.

Happy Halloween, and remember: Never trust purple birdmen with strangely average names, because they're probably flying child molesters in disguise. Also, don't play baseball after midnight, or a princess will melt you face.