One of the things I regret most is not purchasing hundreds of
copies of the Super Nintendo game Earthbound in the late ‘90s, when Best Buy
was selling them new for $5 a pop. If I had, I could have sold them on eBay for
ridiculous amounts of cash in the early 2010s, and been able to retire to a
life of Assassin’s Creed and cheap whisky by 2013.
Instead, I just finished writing my fourth press release of
the day while my two trolling coworkers Tweet me insulting gifs. Meanwhile, having
just returned his 1,000th meeting today, my boss secretly considers running
away with nothing but his guitar and a case of club soda.
Well, at least I was able to achieve the cheap whisky part of
my dream life.
The thing is, there was really no way for me to know what my
Earthbound inaction would lead to. Today, I’d like to share with you a
similarly blindsiding tale, this time a warning for the overenthusiastic. If I can
save just one life, the ten minutes I spent writing and promoting this article
on my anemic Twitter account will all have been worth it.
The year was 1993. I was in fifth grade, and Mortal Kombat
was the hot new fighting game everyone was talking about, even the teachers and
possibly their dogs as well. While discussing the game’s brutal and varied
fatalities, such as Johnny Cage’s decapitation move, Sub-Zero’s decapitation
move, and Raiden’s decapitation move, my friend Eric casually mentioned that if
you preordered Mortal Kombat on a home system, you got a T-shirt.
“That sounds awesome!” I presumably yelled. I can’t remember.
It was 23 freaking years ago.
“You don’t want it,” replied Eric.
As it turned out, Eric’s uncle (who was somehow only two or
three years older than Eric) had preordered MK on the Genesis, and received his
shirt. He cheerfully pulled it on and jumped on the school bus the first chance
he got.
However, upon showing his face at school, he was pummeled
mercilessly by classmates as they exclaimed “MORTAL KOMBAT!” over and over,
again and again. I’m told this went on literally all day.
This story taught me a very important life lesson that I’ll
never forget: Don't forget to use the block button.
You have been warned.
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