Friday, June 5, 2009

ESSENTIAL Guide for Earthbound N00bs

For anyone who has never tackled the massive challenges of the high-selling, smash hit SNES roleplayer Earthbound before, the thought of battling your way through the game tooth and nail is more than a little intimidating. Snarling, fashion-conscious crows block your progress right off the bat, mugging you and reducing fat pig boys like Pokey to quivering mounds of stupid. Later, the child-smashingly evil Dungeon Man eats your characters alive, forcing about 70 percent of people to go right at the first intersection IN HIS GIANT, FREAKISH STONE BOWELS. And don't get me started on the resort town, Summers. With all that LSD disguised as “magic cakes” and that horrible Club Stoic (read: gang), instead of Summers, it should be called SINNERS if you ask me! Anyway, you've probably wet yourself already just reading this. So, you ask, what’s an Earthbound n00b to do?

Well lucky for you, I, Matt, am here to give you a much-needed hand! (Or two... or three!) I know everything there is to know about this game! See, I've been playing Earthbound for at least 67 years, meaning that I haven’t shut off my Super NES since World War II. I’m 26 years old, practically an OLD MAN, so I MUST be wise.

And I am. So wise, in fact, that I’m going to help you get through the ordeal that is Earthbound. Sure, I could sit here and tell you to go to Onett and cook Pokey breakfast and equip Paula with the lead pipe in the conservatory, but being 26 years old, I HAVEN’T got much LONGER to LIVE. Besides, having played through Earthbound over the many, many years I’ve lived, I’ve learned that success in this game can be boiled down to obtaining three key items. What’s more, I’m going to tell you how to do it free of charge! This is as good as it gets, folks. You can’t even get a better deal from that reject hint man, and he sniffs glue!

The first item you should set your sights on is the picture postcard, which is a picture… on a postcard! (Diabolical!) If you throw one at your enemy, it has a good chance of cutting them in half, and an even better chance of setting them on fire. Giygas’s toadies won't be able to lay a hand on you with one of these babies in you inventory!

Although picture postcards are readily available at one of the shops in Saturn Valley, that’s nearly one-third of the way through the game. Not even Superman, Rocky Balboa, or a giant radioactive scorpion could make it that far without one of those potent postcards. Luckily for your frail behind, there’s another, quicker way get them. After trudging through Peaceful Rest Valley, there’s a girl who asks for donations for the Happy Happy Cult. If you oblige, she’ll give you a postcard in return. Since nothing else up to this point is nearly as important as the postcards, be sure to give her ALL of your money. Remember, the more money you donate at a time, the more powerful the postcard you will receive. I once donated $30 MILLION to her, and I got a postcard so big, it made that blue cow EXPLODE just by looking at it. And don't worry about not having money to buy food items, because you can always steal raw eggs from that lame-o self service stand in the middle of town. Besides, Salmonella builds character and fiber is overrated.

Anyway, be sure to fill everyone’s inventories with postcards! Except for Jeff. He’s a loser and would probably nerd them up with his stupid nerd germs if he touched them. In fact, you should have just left Jeff in the garbage can you found him in on the top of Twinkle Elementary!

Oh, wait. That was Loid in Earthbound Zero. But that doesn’t change the fact that Jeff is a wienie.

But don’t think you’ve it made yet, because we’re just getting started! Aside from the picture postcard, nothing stops sinister aliens in their tracks quite like the Suporma, which, when used, plays the DEADLY song “Ode to Orange Kid.” To get it, all you have to do is give the Orange Kid in Twoson the wad of bills you would normally give to the Runaway Five’s greedy manager. It’s kind of mean to leave the band rotting in the Topolla Theater for the rest of their lives and all, but that’s a lot better than letting the world be taken over by BLOODTHIRSTY ALIENS and the like!

Anyway, using this item in battle has been known not only to utterly destroy enemies in the current fight, but even enemies (and innocent bystanders) for miles around. One time I used the Suporma on Mondo Mole, and Ness was cleaning the charred remains of enemies, dogs and Mr. Saturns off his shoes all the way to Fourside. And another time I used the Suporma, it was so powerful that beams started shooting out of my television set. It blew up THE ENTIRE NEIGHBORHOOD and severed one of my brother’s arms, but it was okay because my brother had two arms at the time, and you only need one hand to play Earthbound anyway.
It's THE Screen shot!
The Suporma is indeed mighty, but be warned: Don’t have Poo use the Suporma, because instead of playing that rockin’ song about the Orange Kid and busting some heads, it only replenishes six of his hit points. However, the Suporma is the only weapon in the game that Poo can equip, raising his offense by a staggering three points.

Next up, the Video Relaxant. It’s the last and most important item an Earthbounder needs for success. Nothing short of a party of 10,000 Drunken Flying Men could even come close to its destructive power. When you have Ness check it, the description reads, “What the hay is this?” What is it!? What ISN’T it! At first glance, it might appear to be an item the programmers dummied out of the game, but it really holds not only the secret of defeating Giygas and winning the game, but the secret of LIFE ITSELF. In fact, the Video Relaxant is so awesome, no one’s ever received it before without cheating – except for me. And furthermore, I’m going to tell you all how I did it.

First, kill off Jeff. This has nothing to do with getting the Video Relaxant, but everything to do with the fact that Jeff sucks. Now, put down the controller, log on to, and send a personal message to RaveFury. (That's me.) This also has nothing to do with finding the Video Relaxant; I just like getting PMs.

Actually, the more that I think about it, I can't remember exactly how I got it. I think I cheated.

So, with these items in your possession, the three chosen ones and Jeff should now have a fighting chance against the universal cosmic destroyer, Ben Affleck. Err, Giygas. But don’t think you’re in for an easy time now that you have the three greatest items in the game, my brave but inexperienced friends! Giygas is strong and crafty, like Batman or Bill Clinton (or Bill Clinton dressed as Batman), and he cannot be defeated with the three power items alone!

Keep your inventory full of rulers, protractors and especially the devastating plain roll, because all of them will come in handy during the final conflict. Don’t forget to utilize those postcards WHENEVER you get the CHANCE, and if you particularly dislike your neighbors, feel free to use the Suporma!Also, be sure to use Edward’s/Gilbert’s “hide” ability eight times in a row, don’t allow Giygas to get all seven Chaos Emeralds, and if things get REALLY rough, cross the streams. It’ll be a tough fight to be sure, but take it from an Earthbound veteran: excessive nose hair might be embarrassing, but if you have enough of it, it can be braided and used as a makeshift rope in times of need.

Happy Earthbounding, good luck, and tell that clown Giygas that Matt sent you! Now go and make this OLD MAN proud!

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