Top Ten Worst Television Shows to Adapt into First Person Shooter Video Games

10. Judge Judy

9. Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve

8. National Geographic Presents

7. Anything on QVC

6. Deal or No Deal

5. Cooking with Master Chefs: Hosted by Julia Child

4. Days of Our Lives

3. Saturday Night Live

2. Match Game ‘74

1. The View

Vaguely Homoerotic Fun with Rival Turf!

If there’s one important lesson that I learned from the 1992 SNES game Rival Turf!, it’s that I probably shouldn’t have spent money on the 1992 SNES game Rival Turf! But the other important lesson I learned is that nothing says justice quite like the cop from The Village People wrapping himself in hundreds of strawberry Fruit Roll-Ups and punching the heck out of tactless criminals across two continents. 

After the success of fist-fueled fiestas like Double Dragon and the original Final Fight in the late 1980s, side scrolling beat ‘em ups flooded the arcade and home markets, slugging it out for everyone’s fighting dollars. The craze spawned a few truly memorable titles like Sega’s Streets of Rage trilogy for the Genesis/Mega Drive, and plenty of other games destined to be reviled and forgotten, like Burning Fight, Guardians of the ‘Hood, and David Robinson’s Supreme Court.

Rival Turf! is one of those games in the latter category that so bad it’s still bad, but at least it serves that function in a bland and uninteresting way. What it does add to the genre, however, are vaguely homoerotic undertones, which make any video game worth playing.

The ambiguously gay fun begins when our two fashion unconscious heroes, Oozie Nelson and Jack Flak, decide to clean up the streets of Los Angeles by pounding the crap out of everyone from the local biker population, sans-motorcycles, to the glam rockers that live in the local Rival Turf! homeless shelters. You might be thinking that these are the kind of people the police are supposed to be helping, but Nelson and Flak have it all figured out: Everyone knows that to make an omelet, you’ve got to break a few eggs – or in the case of Rival Turf!, assault hundreds of down-on-their-luck thugs while wearing a red leather police officer outfit. And this game certainly makes a lot of omelets.

At least there are no women in Rival Turf! to get in the way of the undertones. Err, action. I meant action. Wait, no, I mean... Never mind.

There’s not much about Jack Flak that separates him from Axel, Cody, David Robinson or any other regular Joe found in these kinds of games, except that his jacket kind of makes him look like Marty McFly from Back to the Future 2 or perhaps even Aries from Final Fantasy VII. It’s the unfortunately named Oozie Nelson, the Mexican wrestler turned male stripper/cop, who takes center stage. An enigma: If Nelson is supposed to be Latino, why does he look African American in the character select screen and morph into a white guy in the ending? The world may never know.

These character designs are totally rad!

You know how real gangs have specific colors and styles that they wear to show that they’re gang members? You’ll see none of that tripe in Rival Turf! I learned a long time ago from games like this that for gang members in the early ‘90s, anything went as far as fashion. You want to wear a motorcycle helmet and a pair of MC Hammer pants? Go for it! An eye patch, bicycle, shorts and wrestling boots? Sure! A Saran wrap t-shirt, a cockring, and a hat made of breadsticks? Hell yeah! Not one to break from tradition, Rival Turf! dives right on to the “randomly dressed from Hot Topic and grandma’s attic” bandwagon.

The game itself is was pretty standard punch and kick fare. The first few levels offer action that was stale even when Rival Turf! was released and it really didn’t age well from there. But after lots of uncomfortable grabbing and an end-of-level celebration that got a little out of hand, I came across these two guys trying to hide their, um, activities behind a barrel.

Ooookay.

I’m not sure why, but Nelson flew into Angry Mode at that point and savagely suplexed both men’s backs into Jell-o. Maybe he knew them somehow and didn’t approve of their behavior.

I guess I should explain Angry Mode, which sounds like what happened to all the children who paid $50 for this game when it was new. Angry Mode makes your character invincible for a short amount of time, as indicated by his flashing white, like this:

Note: Angry Mode does NOT affect your gloves.

Later on I found this guy, who looked like he was more into fighting the demons in his head than our two flamboyant officers. But I had a duty to uphold the peace, so I dragged him out of his hiding spot and bludgeoned him to death with a rusty steal pipe. There was also this dude who was out for a stroll with this most triumphant boombox in the local car garage at 4 a.m. So of course, Nelson and Flak pummeled him mercilessly.

Then it was off to South America after hitching a ride on a nearby enemy military chopper for three more rounds of… rounds! Did you know that gangs in Brazil are basically the same as the gangs in America, only with more green in their wardrobes? Forget social studies; why aren’t children all across the world playing Rival Turf! in school to drink deeply of its vast educational value?

After fighting my way through some kind of factory instead of just walking around it to get to the final stage, the gang leader, Big Al, decided I had slaughtered enough of his poorly dressed, unarmed henchmen and attempted to kill me by wearing white after Labor Day. Of course, this threw Nelson into Angry Mode and you can guess what happened from there. Then I watched the credits, secure in the knowledge that not one of the billions of gang members that I ruthlessly executed was smart enough to bring a gun to the battle and put and end to Nelson and Flak’s brutal love and/or friendship.

So remember kids, crime doesn’t pay. The next time you decide to steal some candy or cigarettes or kill a man, think about this: When the cops catch you, the last thing you’re likely to see before blinking out of existence is the heavy, possibly gay but maybe not, boots of justice stomping you and your friends’ skulls into a fine powder.

Amber Dreams: Memories of the SNES Classic Earthbound

I’ll never forget the first time I played it. So new, so very different, so distinct. One couldn’t help but fall in love with the wacky characters. Their personalities were as individual and varied as the man who created them. Obviously, I speak of the best RPG, nay, the best *game* ever created: Final Fantasy VI. …Earthbound. I said Earthbound. Final Fantasy VI and Earthbound sound alike, that’s all.

Earthbound has changed my life in countless ways, from giving me a keen mutant healing ability and a nice Adimantium skeleton to helping me achieve the highest level of awareness in every form of martial arts known to man. However, all of that pales in comparison to the minutes of sheer bliss I was plunged into from the second I turned the game on to the instant I got done naming the main character, Ness, “Gargamel.”

But I assure you, even though I found the game too difficult and turned it off relatively early, (“Please select text speed?” Who do they think I am, Superman?) I love the game more than anyone with a second grade reading level or below can fathom. In fact, if Earthbound were a person, I’d kiss her. Or him. Whatever.

Deep in the recesses of my mind, to the left of the frontal lobe and next to the spot I was planning to rent out to microscopic elves as low cost housing, I have a memory. A memory so precious, so vital to my being, that I wouldn’t give it up for all the rice in Pakistan. Even if I was attacked by a Spinnin’ Robo-Ninja Death Squad, I would defend this memory over all else. It is, in fact, the memory of my deceased great uncle. Next to that, in a small cardboard box, is the memory of the first time I played Earthbound.

It was a snowy July day, the 42nd I believe, and I was busy swabbing the decks of my father’s pirate ship, The Free Willy. I never actually knew how to “swab” something, so I basically just covered the floors with some sort of food item, like ketchup, until someone yelled at me and gave me something else to do. Anyway, after discovering that first mates don’t float, my father suggested that perhaps instead of throwing is poorly paid yet strangely loyal crewmen overboard, I could go mow the lawn.

“But Daddy, we’re on a pirate ship,” I protested. “There’s no grass for miles. With the added weight of the lawnmower, I’d just fall off the ship and sink to a watery, yet dementedly comical death.”

“That’s the point, boy,” Dad returned. “But first, I want to you play Earthbound.”

“What?” I stuttered confusedly. “That has nothing to do with mowing the-”

“Just do it, boy. And take Randy Savage with you.”

“Oh yeah!” Savage yelled savagely.

So Randy and I walked into my room and turned on the Super Nintendo, which was easy for us, with all the electricity available on a pirate ship in the middle of the ocean. And there it was, Earthbound. Shigesato Itoi’s vision spilled vibrantly across the glassy screen as I stared in awe. I sat there for hours, basking in its glory. It was grand – profound – beyond anything I had ever seen.

“Do you think we should plug in a controller and actually play the game now?” I inquired after about three days.

“Oh yeah!” Randy affirmatively returned.

So, for the next two minutes or so, Randy and I sat there as the game grilled us like an unfortunate shrimp in an Australian restaurant.

“What’s you’re favorite thing?!” the game demanded, threatening to take hostages if I didn’t answer.

“I… I don’t know!”

“Where were you on the night of December 7th, 1941?!” the game bellowed. “You weren’t, say, bombing Pearl Harbor, where you?”

“I wasn’t even born yet!” I replied. At that point, I handed the controller to Randy and left to get a Coke.

By the time I got back, everyone and everything in the game was named “Oh yeah!” Well, at least we were done with the naming part. So, we began playing, and eventually came upon an enemy.

“You engage the Spiteful Crow,” informed the game. Seconds later, we had beaten it up and stolen its cookie.

“Wow! I must be good at this game. It’s strangely satisfying stealing cookies from defenseless, spiteful wildlife,” I said, grinning.

“Oh yeah!” Savage yelled predictably.

Two steps later, another battle ensued. “You engage the Giygas,” informed the game. “SMAAAAASH!”

“I just lost 22,000,000,000 hit points,” I coughed.

“Oh… yeah…”

At that point, the continue screen pulled up, depicting Ness (or, in my case, “Gargamel”) as an angel. “I see dead people,” I said.

“Oh yeah?”

It was quiet for a moment as he and I stared blankly at the screen. “So, wanna go throw bottle caps at old men?” I finally suggested.

“Oh yeah!” Savage returned.

Well, there you have it; my very first (and very last) encounter with the game that would change my life forever. From its unusual towns to its goofy enemies, Earthbound (probably) delivers unadulterated enjoyment. Who could ever forget characters like that lovable Ness, his dad who’s apparently stuck inside a telephone, that school girl turned super-heroine, Sailor Mo-, er, Paula, that fun lovin’ underdog boxer, Rocky Balboa, or even that wacky “treasure hunter,” Locke Cole?

Earthbound has it all. In fact, the only thing it’s missing is Final Fantasy VI. But, this slight oversight is easily forgivable, given Earthbound’s super-awesome-o-matic game play and its funktastic story line. So, I guess what I’m trying to say is, while Earthbound is a fun game with inserted into a Super Nintendo, it loses much of its charm when inserted into a wall socket.

Congratulation, Earthbound. A winner is you!

Silent Hill Sunday #2: "Daddy, Help Me! Daddy, Where are You!?"

A lot of video games are simply a fun diversion from the pressures of a stressful existence, but every once in a while, a game comes along that changes the way players look at the world or even the way they live their lives. Street Fighter II brought a host of new words to American lexicon, from the “Hadoken” fireball to the rising “Shoryuken” punch; hundreds of teens across the nation started taking guitar lessons after the advent of the Guitar Hero series (and almost as many kids, to their parents’ dismay, gave up in the first week); and thanks to a little game called Pokémon, obsessive children everywhere have been battling trading card addictions for more than a decade.

In my own experience, something I generally didn’t enjoy before playing the original Silent Hill title for PlayStation was urinating in my pants. However, I’ve taken to wetting myself rather frequently when behind the controls of this game. The first Silent Hill was literally the scariest media experience of my life and I know there are plenty of people who, after they wash the pee out of their trousers, would agree with me. After the horrors of Silent Hill, other “scary” things lose their punch. For example, for SH veterans, The Exorcist might as well have taken place in a McDonald’s ballpit and starred Pee Wee Herman as Fr. Damian.

In Silent Hill, Players take control of mystery author and hopelessly aloof father Harry Mason as he trudges through demon-concealing fog, abandoned amusement parks filled with author-chewing claw creatures, and a lizard-infested sewer that somehow manages to be a reprieve from the action up to that point. The voice acting is horrendous, but that seems to have been a staple in Konami games of the era – just look at Castlevania: Symphony of the Night. Besides, nothing adds to the gut-churning tension of situation like a man delivering his lines with all the bravado of someone trying to decide what condiments to squeeze onto his tuna fish sandwich.

During his pleasant stay in the resort town of Silent Hill, Harry has a hard time searching for his missing daughter, Cheryl, who has short black hair and just turned seven last week. But he has a much easier time finding mighty truckloads of blood splashed on the walls, fleshless bodies hanging in bathroom stalls, thousands of yards of barbed wire and probably a roomful of all the teachers who ever berated you in elementary school, though I have yet to find it. And when the sirens sound, it’s a sign to the player to put down the controller and dash from the room, because things are going to get a whole lot more rusty and stabful in about 20 seconds.

Silent Hill is the typical father loses daughter, father looks for daughter, daughter merges with demonic alter ego and attempts to devour everyone around her kind of story, so there’s really no need to go into plot details since it’s such a cliché narrative. However, whether you’re running from misshapen alien children with sharp, sharp knives; or running from pterodactyls with player-rending talons; or even running from faceless zombie nurses that confuse your neither regions with their unholy mix of sex and death, there is but one thing you must remember: Never trust the Silent Hill manual.

For example, when describing the knife that Harry finds in the first few minutes of the game, the manual says it’s a “weak weapon but better than nothing.” The phrase “better than nothing” implies that one would be better off with the weapon than without it. This is not true. Any fool who attempts to use the knife will find himself flailing wildly, missing every attack and basically offering himself up to the enemy as a sort of well-educated but poorly-spoken flesh meal. Assuming that after months of practice you find a way to actually hit things with the knife, you’ll soon see that your kitchen cutlery inflicts approximately as much damage as a disappointing bedtime story. If it had been up to me, I’d have replaced the knife with an adult toy. It would have been just as effective as a weapon and few can deny the entertainment value of a man battling the forces of evil with a vibrating pseudo-phallus.

The manual also says that the iron pipe weapon is “harder to use” than the knife. Wrong again, manual! Last time I checked, whacking someone with three feet of cold metal is easier than getting close enough to stab them with a dull knife (or an adult toy as the case may be). The same is true in Silent Hill: Killing monsters is better than not killing them and getting your spleen torn out in the process. The more I think about it, the more it looks like the manual wants you to fail.

Let’s see if you were playing attention though taking a quick quiz. Pretend that the Silent Hill manual says that multi-grain fiber bread is an excellent tool for keeping Harry healthy and regular. When you find multi-grain fiber bread in the game, you should:

A. Eat it immediately to restore lost health and/or put an end to irregularity.

B. Toss it at the nearest enemy in hopes of causing damage.

C. Throw it away before it explodes, destroying your television set and blasting shrapnel into your tender eyeballs.

If you picked A, you’re an idiot.

You used the knife, didn't you?

The Godfather: The Game - An Entirely Accurate Lesson in History and Culture

I’ve never seen any of the films in the Godfather trilogy, so my knowledge of the franchise is limited to cliché “offer you can’t refuse” imitations of the late Marlin Brando and cheap allusions to the series in the cartoons of my youth: The Godpigeon from Animaniacs comes to mind, as well as the fact that calling him “Godfeather” would have been so much more witty. Furthermore, I don’t know much about Italian culture aside from what the 1989 Super Mario Bros. cartoon taught me, including the crucial fact that every Italian is preoccupied with spaghetti, pizza, meatballs and ravioli to the point of obsession.

So obviously, The Godfather: The Game, Electronic Art’s awkwardly-named sandbox title for Xbox, Xbox 360, PS2, PS3 and Wii, was the perfect choice for my newest gaming excursion – as well as a much-needed lesson in Italian culture.

In The Godfather: The Game, your goal is to change your name to Donald. Currently, there is only one man named Donald: Vito Corleone, often shortened to “Don Corleone.” People are always nice to Donald Corleone because he has a lot of money, kind of like Donald Trump, who must be really good at The Godfather: The Game. Also, the Donald is allowed to talk with his mouth full, which he seems to do at every given opportunity because it’s pretty hard to understand him sometimes. About three quarters through the game, Donald Vito Corleone is tired of being Donald and wants to play with his grandchildren or something – it’s not explained too well – and suddenly, your character has a chance to be the one and only Donald, the Donald of New York City (often just called “The Don of NYC”). I’m not sure how they know that no one else in New York has named their child Donald, but the game is pretty sure there’s only one Donald available at any given time, so who am I to argue?

The only way you can become Donald is through punching and choking a bunch of bakers, bartenders and hotel owners until they give you money, presumably because a prerequisite to being the Donald is to be rich. To do this, you maneuver your character into an establishment that is otherwise peaceful and you find the person who runs the joint. It’s pretty easy to find them because they all wear the same black and white hat that floats three feet above their heads. Also, the layout of every bakery, bar and nightclub is basically the same, because during the Great Depression, around the time when this game is set, people didn’t have enough money to buy different businesses. Instead, they all pooled their money, bought one building, and made illegal copies of it though Napster.

Anyway, when you find the owner, you punch him or her. A lot. The manual calls this part of the game “Blackhand,” but my character’s hands are clearly Caucasian, so I call it “The Lady Punching Part” or just “Dad” for short. After stopping the evil bakers and whatnot, they donate to your Donald fund. Thanks to what I’ve learned about Italian culture so far from the Godfather game, I can only assume that in addition to troths full of pasta sauce and crazed bouts of binging thousands of meatballs, Italian family reunions include patrolling the neighboring streets looking for palette-swapped businesspeople to terrorize, then eat pizza with.

Your enemies, aside from prostitutes and flower shop owners, are other mobsters. The mobsters dressed like normal people yell things like “please don’t kill me” when you attack them and are the wimpiest enemies in the game, but the other mobsters, the ones dressed in blue, green, yellow and red, usually put up more of a fight.

Battling the other mobsters is no easy task, but the real challenge is taking care of all the people who betray you. There are some truly unbelievable double and triple crosses that will have you yelling, “No way!” Or as Super Mario would say, “That’s un-pasta-ble!”

Also, “It’sa me, Mario! Let’sa go!”

In addition to the excellent gameplay, The Godfather: The Game: The Soundtrack is wonderful. The Godfather theme sounds just like it does on my copy of “Mob Hits Vol. 1,” a series of albums aimed at Italians which is not offensive in the least. My only complaint about the soundtrack is that the cops, all of whom are Irish, don’t have their own appropriate theme songs involving the color green. Incidentally, I like store my copy of Mob Hits next to my album of whimsical drinking songs about leprechauns and potato farming called “Lazy Drunken Red-headed Hits.”

Before I end this review, I’d like to thank Electronic Arts and The Godfather: The Game for teaching me all there is to know about Italian culture without resorting to insulting stereotypes or grossly misrepresenting 99 percent of the Italian populous. Thanks EA; you’ve done just as much for Italian culture in the 2000s as the Super Mario cartoon did in the 1980s.

Next week on Wordsmith VG: I learn all there is to know about African American culture by playing DJ Boy on Sega Genesis, studying Barrett from Final Fantasy VII and watching the first season of Goodtimes over and over again. DY-NO-MITE!

Ghostbusters the Video Game: Bustin' Make You Feel Good!

If you’re anything like me, you used to spend your Saturday mornings in front of the television with a bowl of Cap’n Crunch waiting for The Real Ghostbusters (and that God-awful Slimer show) to come on, you dragged your poor mother to the theater the morning Ghostbusters II hit the theaters and you can practically recite the Ghostbusters film word for word. If that sounds like you, just get in the car and don’t take your foot off the gas until you’re at the mall, because Ghostbusters The Video Game is what you’ve been dreaming about for the last 20 years.

For the other six of you still reading this review, I can wholeheartedly say that the newest incarnation of the franchise is the definitive Ghostbusters gaming experience. Up until now, that was sort of like saying that it’s more fun to be beaten with an aluminum pole than with a steel one infested with tiny, venomous beetles. But with a story written by Dan Akyroyd and Harold Ramis, the men behind Ghostbusters and Ghostbusters II, and the voice talents of Ernie Hudson, Annie Potts and wisecracker Bill Murray, Ghostbusters The Video Game will be sucking away your free time for days to come.


Its 1991, two years after Vigo the Carpathian tried to eat baby Oscar with a gooey bathtub and Lady Liberty took to the streets of New York via an NES joystick. The busters, now a city-funded operation like the police and the fire department, must track down the source of the newest surge in supernatural activity that’s crippling the Big Apple.You play as the new fifth Ghostbuster who’s supposed to represent the player, but it’s hard to feel a connection to a generic dude who communicates though frantic hand gestures and getting hit with debris. I’m sick of the silent protagonist shtick and I’m sure most people would have rather played as one of our four iconic heroes, but it’s a minor gripe: The guys come along with you every step of the way, although Winston shows up late to the party yet again. At least he made it this time – remember how Sega ditched him completely in the fun-but-flawed Genesis title?

As one would expect from seasoned comedians, the dialogue and voice acting is top notch. The script is oozing with nods to the films and the guys spout one-liners like a broken fire hydrant. Of course, Peter is as sarcastic as ever, and even item descriptions have a comedic kick. If the game itself becomes boring, the humor and the storyline will keep players engrossed until the game’s conclusion.

The graphics are excellent. The environments are crisp and detailed and the ghosts are slimy and disgusting. The character models share the likenesses of their on-screen counterparts, but after 25 years with the film, the gang looks a little weird with polygonal skin.



Perhaps the game’s greatest accomplishment is that it the player truly feel like he or she is a Ghostbuster. Fighting and incarcerating spirits a lot like wrangling cattle or tying to stop a child from running into a toy store: One must be patient, and at first, it’s more difficult than trying to push smoke into a bottle with a baseball bat. But within a half hour, the player has a good grip on the action, though the default control scheme leaves a bit to be desired in the weapons department. Movement is done via the two control sticks and can sometimes be a little chunky, but it’s nothing that can’t be forgiven, or a least ignored.

The action can be tense like Silent Hill as the player tracks down spirits with his or her PKE meter, or it can be frantic with waves of ghosts descending with reckless abandon. Both styles keep the player entertained on their toes.
The multiplayer is fun with teams of up to four taking on different tasks together, such as busting bunches of ghosts or protecting valuable artifacts from ethereal assailants. The team aspect helps players bond, but the action gets stale quickly. The story mode is where Ghostbusters The Video Game really shines.

Unfortunately, recycled elements from the Ghostbusters mythos give this title a “been there, busted that” feeling, knocking it down a notch. It’s a catch 22: It would have been downright sinful to make a Ghostbusters game without Slimer trashing a hotel and Staypuffed stomping through NYC, but it’s sometimes tough to accept Ghostbusters The Video Game as the sequel to the films like Aykroyd intended. Several parts of the game shamelessly play on two and a half decades of Ghostbusters nostalgia, but many players will eat it up with a silver spoon. The rest of us can’t help but smile and move on, hoping the rest of the game will be more of its own title than a shadow of things past.

That being said, Ghostbusters The Video Game stands up both as an entertaining extension to the Ghostbusters universe and a good video game experience. Existing fans and people new to the Ghostbusters mythos should take this one for a spin, because bustin’ really does make you feel good.

Puke Along with Panic!

Imagine if every time you pressed a button on your cell phone, chose a channel with your TV remote, or clicked a mouse, there was a 50 to 90 percent chance that it would backfire, filling your living room with zoo animals, blowing up Mount Rushmore or even sending you on a one way trip to visit Satan himself, who will puke on you. This is the crazy concept behind Panic! (known as Switch in Japan), Data East’s best contribution to any Sega system, and quite possibly humanity’s greatest achievement.

The gameplay is simple: You’re transported from scene to scene, where you pick from a set of a buttons on screen, press one and watch the consequences. That's it. It’s pure brilliance.

The Monty Pythonish graphics are a perfect fit for the bizarre action and the music adds to the humorous atmosphere. The short, high-quality tunes establish a plethora of emotions, from relaxed and whimsical to pressured and tense. Honestly, some of the scenes are harrowing to play though, like the one with an imposing alien standing before you, or the one with a Frankenstein monster lying dormant (not for long!) in a gothic castle. And it’s not just the scary scenes that can make the player a little uncomfortable. One of the best things about the game is that even in a normal scene like a snowy field or a motorboat on a sunny day, you’ll still have the constant fear that you’re going to press the wrong button and sumos will jump out of the ceiling and puke on you. Or your lawnmower will spin wildly out of control and eat your baseball glove, your house and even your dog, and then puke on you.

But you're also afraid you might press the “right” button. Though Panic!’s fun comes from never knowing what you might trigger by pressing a button, you also don't know which switches have gags, so sometimes, you're teleported out of a scene without viewing all of the possible tomfoolery. That's right, you'll WANT to screw up in this game, because "winning" isn't half as fun as having a hippo in a tutu crush your poor character into a pancake, say something incoherent, and then puke on you.

In an industry increasingly obsessed with making video games so realistic that players can alter the texture of their shoelaces and are docked points for forgetting to trim their character’s nose hairs, a game where you simply point, click and pray is refreshing. Do yourself a favor and play Panic! - I promise it won’t make you want to puke.

ESSENTIAL Guide for Earthbound N00bs

For anyone who has never tackled the massive challenges of the high-selling, smash hit SNES roleplayer Earthbound before, the thought of battling your way through the game tooth and nail is more than a little intimidating. Snarling, fashion-conscious crows block your progress right off the bat, mugging you and reducing fat pig boys like Pokey to quivering mounds of stupid. Later, the child-smashingly evil Dungeon Man eats your characters alive, forcing about 70 percent of people to go right at the first intersection IN HIS GIANT, FREAKISH STONE BOWELS. And don't get me started on the resort town, Summers. With all that LSD disguised as “magic cakes” and that horrible Club Stoic (read: gang), instead of Summers, it should be called SINNERS if you ask me! Anyway, you've probably wet yourself already just reading this. So, you ask, what’s an Earthbound n00b to do?

Well lucky for you, I, Matt, am here to give you a much-needed hand! (Or two... or three!) I know everything there is to know about this game! See, I've been playing Earthbound for at least 67 years, meaning that I haven’t shut off my Super NES since World War II. I’m 26 years old, practically an OLD MAN, so I MUST be wise.

And I am. So wise, in fact, that I’m going to help you get through the ordeal that is Earthbound. Sure, I could sit here and tell you to go to Onett and cook Pokey breakfast and equip Paula with the lead pipe in the conservatory, but being 26 years old, I HAVEN’T got much LONGER to LIVE. Besides, having played through Earthbound over the many, many years I’ve lived, I’ve learned that success in this game can be boiled down to obtaining three key items. What’s more, I’m going to tell you how to do it free of charge! This is as good as it gets, folks. You can’t even get a better deal from that reject hint man, and he sniffs glue!

The first item you should set your sights on is the picture postcard, which is a picture… on a postcard! (Diabolical!) If you throw one at your enemy, it has a good chance of cutting them in half, and an even better chance of setting them on fire. Giygas’s toadies won't be able to lay a hand on you with one of these babies in you inventory!

Although picture postcards are readily available at one of the shops in Saturn Valley, that’s nearly one-third of the way through the game. Not even Superman, Rocky Balboa, or a giant radioactive scorpion could make it that far without one of those potent postcards. Luckily for your frail behind, there’s another, quicker way get them. After trudging through Peaceful Rest Valley, there’s a girl who asks for donations for the Happy Happy Cult. If you oblige, she’ll give you a postcard in return. Since nothing else up to this point is nearly as important as the postcards, be sure to give her ALL of your money. Remember, the more money you donate at a time, the more powerful the postcard you will receive. I once donated $30 MILLION to her, and I got a postcard so big, it made that blue cow EXPLODE just by looking at it. And don't worry about not having money to buy food items, because you can always steal raw eggs from that lame-o self service stand in the middle of town. Besides, Salmonella builds character and fiber is overrated.

Anyway, be sure to fill everyone’s inventories with postcards! Except for Jeff. He’s a loser and would probably nerd them up with his stupid nerd germs if he touched them. In fact, you should have just left Jeff in the garbage can you found him in on the top of Twinkle Elementary!

Oh, wait. That was Loid in Earthbound Zero. But that doesn’t change the fact that Jeff is a wienie.

But don’t think you’ve it made yet, because we’re just getting started! Aside from the picture postcard, nothing stops sinister aliens in their tracks quite like the Suporma, which, when used, plays the DEADLY song “Ode to Orange Kid.” To get it, all you have to do is give the Orange Kid in Twoson the wad of bills you would normally give to the Runaway Five’s greedy manager. It’s kind of mean to leave the band rotting in the Topolla Theater for the rest of their lives and all, but that’s a lot better than letting the world be taken over by BLOODTHIRSTY ALIENS and the like!

Anyway, using this item in battle has been known not only to utterly destroy enemies in the current fight, but even enemies (and innocent bystanders) for miles around. One time I used the Suporma on Mondo Mole, and Ness was cleaning the charred remains of enemies, dogs and Mr. Saturns off his shoes all the way to Fourside. And another time I used the Suporma, it was so powerful that beams started shooting out of my television set. It blew up THE ENTIRE NEIGHBORHOOD and severed one of my brother’s arms, but it was okay because my brother had two arms at the time, and you only need one hand to play Earthbound anyway.

It's THE Screen shot!

The Suporma is indeed mighty, but be warned: Don’t have Poo use the Suporma, because instead of playing that rockin’ song about the Orange Kid and busting some heads, it only replenishes six of his hit points. However, the Suporma is the only weapon in the game that Poo can equip, raising his offense by a staggering three points.

Next up, the Video Relaxant. It’s the last and most important item an Earthbounder needs for success. Nothing short of a party of 10,000 Drunken Flying Men could even come close to its destructive power. When you have Ness check it, the description reads, “What the hay is this?” What is it!? What ISN’T it! At first glance, it might appear to be an item the programmers dummied out of the game, but it really holds not only the secret of defeating Giygas and winning the game, but the secret of LIFE ITSELF. In fact, the Video Relaxant is so awesome, no one’s ever received it before without cheating – except for me. And furthermore, I’m going to tell you all how I did it.

First, kill off Jeff. This has nothing to do with getting the Video Relaxant, but everything to do with the fact that Jeff sucks. Now, put down the controller, log on to Starmen.net, and send a personal message to RaveFury. (That's me.) This also has nothing to do with finding the Video Relaxant; I just like getting PMs.

Actually, the more that I think about it, I can't remember exactly how I got it. I think I cheated.

So, with these items in your possession, the three chosen ones and Jeff should now have a fighting chance against the universal cosmic destroyer, Ben Affleck. Err, Giygas. But don’t think you’re in for an easy time now that you have the three greatest items in the game, my brave but inexperienced friends! Giygas is strong and crafty, like Batman or Bill Clinton (or Bill Clinton dressed as Batman), and he cannot be defeated with the three power items alone!

Keep your inventory full of rulers, protractors and especially the devastating plain roll, because all of them will come in handy during the final conflict. Don’t forget to utilize those postcards WHENEVER you get the CHANCE, and if you particularly dislike your neighbors, feel free to use the Suporma!Also, be sure to use Edward’s/Gilbert’s “hide” ability eight times in a row, don’t allow Giygas to get all seven Chaos Emeralds, and if things get REALLY rough, cross the streams. It’ll be a tough fight to be sure, but take it from an Earthbound veteran: excessive nose hair might be embarrassing, but if you have enough of it, it can be braided and used as a makeshift rope in times of need.

Happy Earthbounding, good luck, and tell that clown Giygas that Matt sent you! Now go and make this OLD MAN proud!