I was pretty late to the Assassin’s Creed party (where,
were it a real shindig, everyone would be embarrassed that they wore the same color).
I’m not sure how I missed one of the
bestselling franchises of the last console generation: it’s arguably the
biggest yearly game series outside of Call of Duty and Madden. I guess I was
too busy with classics like Lair and Duke Nukem Forever: Balls of Steel Edition
to notice.
My first experience with the warriors in white was at the
end of 2014 when I played through the fourth AC installment, Black Flag, on Xbox
One. Capt. Kenway’s questionable adventure on the high – and probably drunk –
seas lured me into the world of secret bloodshed, vast conspiracy, and infuriating
climbing controls. Over the last year I’ve done a good job catching up.
And now I love to stab almost as much as David Rosen.
On the eve of Ubisoft’s latest yearly cash grab release,
Assassin’s Creed: Syndicate, I find myself reminiscing about Ghosts of Stab-mas
past. (For those wondering Stab-mas was pretty much every Saturday night for
the last few months.) So without further padding, here’s the beginning of a multipart
Assassin’s Creed retrospective that none of you asked for, but are still miraculously
reading.
Also it’s Back to the Future Day, so TIME TRAVEL and 88
MILES PER HOUR and MARTY and all that jazz.
Assassin’s Creed.
Release Date: 11/2007. Available on Xbox 360, PlayStation 3, and PC
Imagine Grand Theft Auto. Now take away everything fun
and pay a homeless person to beat you, repeatedly and repeatedly, about the
face and neck. That’s the first Assassin’s Creed in a nutshell. I seriously
have no idea how there was a sequel after this cosmic train wreck.
My first thought on booting AC1 up was how good it
looked, even nearly a decade after it hit store shelves. But the more I played,
the more its flaws started chipping away at my enjoyment. Repetitive, pointless
missions flood the original AC landscape, and instead of being able to skip them
like in future installments of the series, the player is forced to slog through.
Meanwhile, the slightest deviation from what the game
wants you to do sends an endless stream of bloodthirsty soldiers your way and
you’re forced to kill them all by mashing the attack button. I often had
upwards of 20 bodies littered around me just because I brushed up against on
guard on my way to yet another pointless mission.
The story is like watching paint dry in the dark, and the
main charter, Altiar, is a total asshole.
No video game has made me as hostile, as irrationally enraged
as this war crime disguised as interactive entertainment. But aside from the
PTSD, this game is great! And by great, I mean one of the worst 100 video games
I’ve ever played. Thank God I didn’t start the series with this game, or this
would have been an awfully short retrospective.
Assassin’s Creed
II. Release Date: 11/2009. Available on Xbox 360, PlayStation 3, PC and MAC
Perhaps unwisely, I loaded up Assassin’s Creed II only
moments after finishing the first game. But what could have ended in me taking
my own leap of faith in front of a beer truck turned out to be a delightful romp
through Renaissance Italy.
I knew in the first five minutes that Assassin’s Creed II
was the polar opposite of its older, soul-crushing brother. Everything I hated
about the original Assassin’s Creed, everything that made me what to slap Ubisoft
in their firehoses (or lady schlongs), one and all, was gone forever.
Taking up the mantle of assassin this time around is Ezio
Auditore da Firenze, a carefree young man whose family is clichéd to death.
Frankly, it’s been done. But it’s not the story that kept me coming back to
Assassin’s Creed II, it was the high-flying, back-stabbing gameplay. Climbing
and jumping control was improved, most objectives felt like they mattered, and
the most boring side quests were entirely optional.
Also, you can punch the living snot out of townspeople
all you want, tossing their bodies in the ocean or, better yet, hiding them in
haystacks for a trophy/achievement. I’m not sure how a face-punching, day walking
psychopath somehow went unrecorded by Italian history, but I’m sure this game is
entirely accurate in his portrayal.
Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood.
Release Date: 11/2010. Available on Xbox 360, PlayStation 3, PC and MAC
Brotherhood marks the transition of Assassin’s Creed into
a yearly release schedule, and boy does it show. Recycling locations, weapons,
fighting styles, and even the main character of ACII, Brotherhood plays more
like an expansion pack than its own title.
I’m fine with that. I consider Assassin’s Creed II one of
the best 100 games of all time, so getting more of it was welcome.
I’d love to say more about the plot, but it’s so
convoluted and inconsequential that it’s not worth talking about. Just know
that Ezio’s charm keeps the player interested, if only to see how he grows as an
assassin and as a person.
Thankfully, Ubisoft realized that they couldn’t just give
players the same game yet again, and the next entry in the series takes Ezio to
the Middle East to close out his three-game story arc.
####
In the next part of this retrospective, I’ll cover Ezio’s
last chapter and the series’ expedition to North America.
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