The Deadly Towers Standoff, Day 39

If you’re a regular here at Wordsmith VG, you might remember the letter that I sent to Brøderbund Software last month in reference to their much-belittled Nintendo Entertainment System dungeon crawl, Deadly Towers. It took me 24 years to contact the company with my suggestions for improvements to the original game or its possible (probable!) sequel, so I really didn’t expect a quick reply. However, it’s more than five weeks later, and I’ve heard not a peep from Brøderbund or their parent company, Navarre Corporation. This means one of three – or thee and a half, depending on how you look at it – things:

1. Brøderbund Software is diligently working on a re-release or sequel to DT, implementing all of my suggestions, and is simply too busy counting the millions of dollars they stand to make in the near future to send me a thank you card/check.

2. They never received my letter because some underpaid and overworked postal worker “delivered” it deep into his pantaloons.

3a. All Brøderbund Software employees are being abducted by aliens.

3b. All Brøderbund Software employees ARE aliens.

Whatever the case, all this waiting is starting to affect me in odd ways. First of all, I’ve been peeing purple for the past week, but I’m pretty sure that has less to do with Deadly Towers and more to do with me brutally murdering Barney the Dinosaur and feasting on his stupid foam carcass. But more importantly, things are getting tense between me and my Deadly Towers cartridge, Wilson. He said he was cool with us discussing his flaws, but I think he took offense to some of the things I said in that letter. I barely see him when he comes home from work and breakfast has turned into a series of awkward, stalled conversations.

Me: Good morning, Wilson! How are you feeling this morning?

Wilson: I'm fine.

*short pause*

Me: Are you all set for a day of mind-numbing gameplay and murdering the player’s character an astronomical amount of times in the first minute or so?

Wilson: I guess.

*longer, more stressful pause*

Me: Uh… did you hear anything back from Brøderbund Software about your sequel?

Wilson: I… listen. I have to tell you something. I’m… I’m late for work, okay? Prince Myer should have stabbed the first enemy at least 800 times by now. I’ll see you later.

Me: Oh, okay. Well, I’ll see you tonight I guess. I love you!

Wilson: Yeah. See you later.

Although his warrantee ended about 23 years and nine months ago, I looked up Wilson’s manual for details anyway, and this kind of behavior isn’t covered at all. In fact, I can’t find any information about his wierd attitude anywhere, not even in old issues of Gamepro or on those little cards that came with new games telling you to buy Nintendo Power for $15 a year.

I’m planning on sending a copy of the original letter to the Navarre Corporation in hopes that they might give me some sort of reply. I’ll keep you guys posted. In the meantime, I’m going to go watch I Love Lucy and wonder where Wilson and I went wrong.

Remaking Deadly Towers: A Brilliant Business Plan

Remember Deadly Towers for the NES? Most people think it’s one of the worst games ever, and for good reason: Endless dungeons, hours of aimless wandering and a weakling main character do not a good game make. But you know what? I see potential in good (bad?) ol’ DT, so I decided to mail a letter to Brøderbund Software, the people who brought us Deadly Towers 24 years ago, and urge them to release some sort of sequel or upgrade to the original game. Here’s what I sent in its entirety.

Aug. 9, 2010

To Whom It May Concern,

It didn’t have to be this way, Brøderbund Software. Deadly Towers (1986) could have been one of the best early offerings on the Nintendo Entertainment System. Instead, it’s been the butt of every half-hearted reviewer’s jokes since Al Gore invented the internet. Now that you’re a part of Navarre Corp. and therefore pulling in millions from FUNimation Entertainment’s sloppy anime dubs, I think it’s about time that Brøderbund remade Deadly Towers.

Here are a few suggestions:

- Purchase the rights to the next Metal Gear Solid title and rename it Neo Deadly Towers. I know this would be nearly impossible, not to mention immoral, but imagine how satisfying it would be to see a Deadly Towers game getting near perfect scores from all the major gaming publications.

- Let’s say you go the less expensive, more rational route and make your own game. A few simple changes to the original’s mechanics could make Deadly Towers great. Firstly, no one likes being killed in the first 13 seconds every time they play. Perhaps giving the main character, Prince Myer, more hit points than a naked old man brandishing a respirator would make Deadly Towers a more enjoyable experience.

- On the subject of hit points, Prince Myer should begin each game with full health instead of just the default 100 HP. Deadly Towers is not Metroid; no one wants to put up with refilling their life whenever they play.

- One time when I was playing Dragon Warrior, I unequipped my sword and tried to take down the game’s penultimate villain, the DragonLord. Each blow I dealt him resulted in almost no damage. That’s how it feels whenever I hit the attack button while playing Deadly Towers. To counteract this, increase Prince Myer’s strength to the point where he can take down weak enemies in one or two hits, not one or two thousand.

- “Secret” entrances to a huge, pointless dungeon randomly placed throughout the game world don’t look like they were planned; they look like programming errors. Make a door sprite and label it “Huge Pointless Dungeon.” Use it on top of every dungeon entrance.

- On a similar note, put something useful in the dungeon beyond some old dude who sells you worthless stuff for all your cash. Maybe more than one set of armor would be in order, or at least a sexy 8-bit chick surrounded with health, items and money. And whisky. Add whisky.

- Finally, if all else fails, make the next Deadly Towers game a World War II-based first person shooter compatible with Xbox live. The 12- to 16-year-old crowd will flock to it and play hours of death matches, because real combat isn’t a tragedy, it’s hella fun!

I hope my suggestions will help you to improve upon your original Deadly Towers formula, and perhaps a rebalanced version of the game could be made available on your web site. I have faith in Brøderbund Software, and perhaps against my better judgment, I have faith in the Deadly Towers franchise. I wouldn’t have spent my time sending this letter if I didn’t. Show the world that after nearly 25 years, Deadly Towers is nothing to laugh at.*

*Unless you mess it up again.

Sincerely,

Lifelong Video Gamer


If I receive a reply of any sort, you can bet that I’ll post it here!