Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Remaking Deadly Towers: A Brilliant Business Plan
Aug. 9, 2010
To Whom It May Concern,
It didn’t have to be this way, Brøderbund Software. Deadly Towers (1986) could have been one of the best early offerings on the Nintendo Entertainment System. Instead, it’s been the butt of every half-hearted reviewer’s jokes since Al Gore invented the internet. Now that you’re a part of Navarre Corp. and therefore pulling in millions from FUNimation Entertainment’s sloppy anime dubs, I think it’s about time that Brøderbund remade Deadly Towers.
Here are a few suggestions:
- Purchase the rights to the next Metal Gear Solid title and rename it Neo Deadly Towers. I know this would be nearly impossible, not to mention immoral, but imagine how satisfying it would be to see a Deadly Towers game getting near perfect scores from all the major gaming publications.
- Let’s say you go the less expensive, more rational route and make your own game. A few simple changes to the original’s mechanics could make Deadly Towers great. Firstly, no one likes being killed in the first 13 seconds every time they play. Perhaps giving the main character, Prince Myer, more hit points than a naked old man brandishing a respirator would make Deadly Towers a more enjoyable experience.
- On the subject of hit points, Prince Myer should begin each game with full health instead of just the default 100 HP. Deadly Towers is not Metroid; no one wants to put up with refilling their life whenever they play.
- One time when I was playing Dragon Warrior, I unequipped my sword and tried to take down the game’s penultimate villain, the DragonLord. Each blow I dealt him resulted in almost no damage. That’s how it feels whenever I hit the attack button while playing Deadly Towers. To counteract this, increase Prince Myer’s strength to the point where he can take down weak enemies in one or two hits, not one or two thousand.
- “Secret” entrances to a huge, pointless dungeon randomly placed throughout the game world don’t look like they were planned; they look like programming errors. Make a door sprite and label it “Huge Pointless Dungeon.” Use it on top of every dungeon entrance.
- On a similar note, put something useful in the dungeon beyond some old dude who sells you worthless stuff for all your cash. Maybe more than one set of armor would be in order, or at least a sexy 8-bit chick surrounded with health, items and money. And whisky. Add whisky.
- Finally, if all else fails, make the next Deadly Towers game a World War II-based first person shooter compatible with Xbox live. The 12- to 16-year-old crowd will flock to it and play hours of death matches, because real combat isn’t a tragedy, it’s hella fun!
I hope my suggestions will help you to improve upon your original Deadly Towers formula, and perhaps a rebalanced version of the game could be made available on your web site. I have faith in Brøderbund Software, and perhaps against my better judgment, I have faith in the Deadly Towers franchise. I wouldn’t have spent my time sending this letter if I didn’t. Show the world that after nearly 25 years, Deadly Towers is nothing to laugh at.*
*Unless you mess it up again.
Lifelong Video Gamer
If I receive a reply of any sort, you can bet that I’ll post it here!