Tuesday, April 14, 2015

New 'Mortal Kombat X' makes man feel old, gelatinous

After months of anticipation, Mortal Kombat X is finally upon us. Before you snag a copy, tell your friends to “get over here!” and make with the decapitations, take a minute to consider this: The original Mortal Kombat came out in 1992.

Do you remember Mortal Monday, when MK1 came out on home systems and also not Sega CD until months later? I sure do.

And you know what that means? I’m a very old man and I don’t have much time left to live. I pray I can breathe long enough to finish MKX, but with bones these old, I fear my body will melt into jelly on the way to Best Buy tonight. (That would make a super cool fatality, now that I think about it.)

Ah, to be young again.

Fifth grade. Matt’s class is walking to the middle school for an orientation. Some of the dumber students have expressed concern that a rotating class schedule might somehow confuse or kill them, so we all have to miss art and gym to have disinterested guidance counselors comfort us by revealing the secrets of walking to a different classroom every 42 minutes.

Some current middle school students – the ones who have mastered the art of switching classrooms flawlessly on the pit stage without using block – notice Matt’s group approaching, and look out their foolishly open windows.

Matt raises his arms and exclaims at them, "MORTAL KOMBAT!"

From that day forth, the middle schoolers knew not to mess with the incoming class, for they are versed in the art of kombat and aren’t afraid to die at the hands of Outworld’s most chilling opponent: rotating class schedules. Liu Kang smiled on us all that day.

So by all means, let the kombat komence! I’ll just be here in the corner, adjusting to my life as an elderly, boneless blob.

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