Earthbound Scrapbook Entry #2: Twoson and Beyond (GPP 2)

Report created on 06/02/199X by Capt. Strong

06/02/199X, 14:45 hrs UNLAWFUL ENTRY, BREAKING AND ENTERING, ASSAULT 3RD DEGREE, UNLAWFUL POSSESSION OF A WEAPON 4TH DEGREE, UNLAWFUL POSSESSION OF A CONTROLLED SUBSTANCE 5TH DEGREE, DISTURBING THE PEACE, ARSON 1ST DEGREE, JAYWALKING

We found the subject trespassing in the old entertainer's shack, despite the large red "Don't Enter" sign that's clearly visible on the outside. There were no signs of forced entry, but with the only key to the building in the possession of our fine mayor, the subject had to have broken in; there's no way he could have obtained it from the Honorable B.H. Pirkle.

Upon discovering the subject exiting the site, Officer Fielding escorted him to the police station, where he was interviewed by Officer Stone, Officer Hunter and myself. The subject refused to cooperate and became violent, attacking five officers. In retrospect, we should have confiscated his weapon first.

When Onett's finest can't talk some sense into a subject, he must be up to no good. This is when I implemented my Super Ultra Mambo Tango Foxtrot martial arts, but the subject overpowered me and forced me to allow him past our town's famous roadblocks. He fled to Twoson, but I continued surveillance at a safe distance. Approximately five minutes after he crossed, the subject was seen collecting mushrooms and transporting them on his hat:

The subject began acting strangely afterwards, proving my theory that he was using/smuggling vast amounts of illicit drugs between Onett and Twoson.

Upon entering Twoson, the subject headed down to Burglin Park, a known hotbed of criminal activity. He met with hardened crimelord "Everdred," but the two seemed to be locking horns. I can only assume that the subject went to sell his newly-acquired drugs, but the deal went sour. The patrons of Burglin Park took no notice and continued to shop.

Unfazed, the subject left Burglin Park and terrorized Polestar Preschool, the illustrious inventor Orange Kid, and some fat baby with apple-shaped headgear before he assaulted a rather cranky woman on the street. She was so out of breath from fending off the subject's blows that she had become blue in the face.

There was no time to see if the subject's victim had sustained any life-threatening injuries during the attack, because the subject - after eating a curious-looking sandwich from his cute yellow backpack - took off running towards Peaceful Rest Valley. I followed him through the area as best I could, but eventually I lost sight of him.

By the time I had caught up with the subject again, I discovered the source of all the strange noises I had heard as I worked my way through Peaceful Rest Valley: In his drug-addled state, he had been burning down trees! It looked as if he wasn't using an accelerant like gasoline; instead, he apparently blew them up with gunpowder or perhaps C4 explosive putty. I thought I saw a tree moving by itself earlier, but it must have been the leaves shaking from the vibrations of the repeated blasts.

After traveling through a short cave filled with deadly snakes, the subject arrived in Happy Happy Village. It seems that not only does he have connections to drug trafficking, but also the strange new religion, Happy-Happyism. Perhaps the two are connected, like in the Kaufmann/Garland/Mason incident at that sleepy resort town a few years back.

Everything is blue in this town, from houses to the trees.

The subject engaged several cult members in a bizarre ritual in which he would hit them with his baseball bat and they would splash paint on him as a sort of reply. I believe it was and ancient dance intended to bring about the end of the word.

I tried to push my way through the cultists to catch up with him, but the subject disappeared once more. I searched for about 15 minutes, at which time I caught sight of the subject entering a large church-like building.

Moments later, the building was apparently struck by lighting. Four times. The subject is believed dead and the threat to the good citizens of Onett neutralized. The case is officially closed.

Another job well done by Capt. Strong and the Onett police force!

CASE # 199X-061995