Sunday, October 31, 2010

Halloween Games Round-Up Vol. 2 and a Sad, Sad Confession

Dear Wordsmith VG readership,

I have a confession to make: In less than one week, I will be 28 years old. Tonight, I am dressing as a ninja and totally going Trick-or-Treating. Not with a small child. By myself. I am approximately the height of a hobbit, so no one will suspect a thing.


If you see this Trick-or-Treater at your door, give him LOTS of candy, or he’ll fail your child in English class when he finds a teaching job.


Castlevania II: Simon’s Quest (NES): What game gives you the option of carrying around hearts, eyeballs, finger nails, and other morbidly awesome body parts of Count Dracula? The answer: Only Castlevania II! Aside from being one of the best action games available on the NES, it also spawned the immortal phrase, “What a horrible night to have a curse.” Play this game. NOW. I command it!

From the manual. Note the puntastic descriptions.

A Nightmare on Elm Street (NES): The movie series has had its ups and downs, but as a whole, it’s a lot of fun. Nothing beats Johnny Depp being eaten by a demon bed, Freddy bleeding something that looks a lot like Mountain Dew, livestock running around in Freddy’s basement, and Heather’s suspiciously orange skinned mother - and that’s just in the first movie.

This is the red teen. There is also a blue one.

The NES game, however, leaves a bit to be desired. The player takes control of one of four teenage boys, each dressed in one of the primary colors. Their job is to enter houses in random order and possibly fight Freddy, or possibly fall down a hole repeatedly. According to an old issue of Nintendo Power, you were supposed to be able to play as Freddy himself in this game. Needless to say, millions of children have been disappointed ever since.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre (Atari 2600): The original movie is pretty entertaining and a good choice for a Halloween night movie. Steer clear of the sequels, though: The only thing scary about them is how hard they make you want to vomit for spending your money on them.

FATALITY! Yeah, that's a toy truck in the background.

The Atari 2600 title of the same name is pretty badass, in the fact that the player is given the opportunity not to play as a hero, but as Leatherface himself. The object of the game is to slice off as many little girl heads as you can wrap your chainsaw around. Taking into mind this fact alone, Texas Chainsaw Massacre is probably the best movie to game adaptation EVER.

'Cause I'm too lazy for a screen shot.
Vampire Hunter D (PlayStation 1): I guess this PS1 game is okay – it's a generic 1998 3D action title – but really, you should be watching the movie instead. The animated cult classic features a dark hero with a talking hand that eats dirt, an agile but wardrobe impaired heroine, and Dracula exploding someone’s head. Nothing rocks harder than Dracula exploding someone’s head, and as such, it occurs only once in this movie. (This, for those keeping score, is exactly one more time than every other movie ever.) It’s a lot like Titanic, only with Dracula and lots of killing. Fun for the whole family over 18.

This is the scariest picture I could find to end this article. GET OFF MY LAWN YOU DAMN KIDS!

No comments:

Post a Comment